First Impressions

People always seem so different before you really get to know them. The frustrating part is that after they do become a part of your life, you have a vague sentiment that you used to see them differently, objectively, yet no matter how hard you try now, you can't seem to distance yourself enough mentally to see them the way you used to. Sometimes I'll look at close friends and wonder, what do other people see them as, judge them as? I used to see them that way too, but now because they're so close to me I just can't see them that way anymore. Sometimes I want so badly to be able to shift from subjective to objective, and then compare the two so I can clearly see the difference that time and intimacy nurtured so it can seem so much more special. But I can't, because the process is a gradual one, just like working out- you can't visibly feel or see a significant difference day by day, but when you compare yourself to a few months back, the progress is glaringly obvious. Sometimes I wonder why memories exist, if not just to taunt you with moments and thoughts and perspectives you can't have anymore. But I guess they exist to remind us to cherish our progress in this current moment and they remind us how not to fuck it up if we did in the past.

Sometimes when I think back to the past, I realize that even though our current state of being feels new because there are new people and situations in our lives, it's still actually quite repetitive. Sometimes I think of people that I've met now, that I react to a certain way, and then I'll remember someone else that also got that reaction out of me, and the relationship between myself and the two of them seem eerily similar. New people, but some how our schemas can mold them to similar outcomes. Once in a while I'll meet someone who shocks me because they're so different from anything I've ever been used to, and I know with them I can start new. On very rare occasions, you can make a new circle.

I think I'll always look back and know that 20 was the worst year of my life. I made so many mistakes. But time heals all wounds. Here's hoping that I'm on the path of creating a new circle.