There's a fear, a refusal to let the world see the inner workings of my mind. A resistance built upon an egotistical stance that I can recall everything I want to remember and don't see a need to writing it down.
But there is a real need. Although we're the sum of our collective experiences, sometimes it's not easy to remember what those experiences are.
In college I learned about Dostoyevsky's "perfection" as defined by human's conception of God. That we create God in the image of perfection. Because this perfection exists, we are by default, imperfect, and we can never become perfection as long as we have its image in mind.
I can't find this exact quote or passage. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong.
Remembering. What is it?
In class we watched Hiroshima Mon Amour, and I presented on La Jetee.
It reminded me of my favorite Proust quote that I always go back to, and may get a tattoo of on my arm. It's applicable in so many situations because it's beautiful, and general, yet symbolic enough to represent the literal and the figurative. To me, it always meant a destruction of everything I knew to start again. In my most intense moments of vulnerability, I've always found one last hope, something more powerful and immense to carry me on to the next chapter. Last night, I recited it to a friend of mine who's mother is undergoing a cancer battle. I think to him, it must mean something different, and stronger than what it means to me. Funny, maybe it was a divinely inspired message- why did I choose to tell him at the time I did?
Mais, quand d’un passé ancien rien ne subsiste, après la mort des êtres, après la destruction des choses, seules, plus frêles mais plus vivaces, plus immatérielles, plus persistantes, plus fidèles, l’odeur et la saveur restent encore longtemps, comme des âmes, à se rappeler, à attendre, à espérer, sur la ruine de tout le reste, à porter sans fléchir, sur leur gouttelette presque impalpable, l’édifice immense du souvenir.
I loved La Jetee. I watched it 3 times. I wrote this email to a friend, but never mailed it
Here's one of my favorite films- it's a 28 minute masterpiece by Chris Marker made in '62 during the Cold War
It's sci-fi but deals with very real issues of nuclear war anxiety/trauma
what I find most intriguing: the investigation of memory and relationship between past/future and the power of the present. Of preserved immaterial moments, death and stillness
it's cool because as the audience we are forced to construct a fluid narrative out of all these still images, and we do... much like how we live our lives, constructing meaning out of randomness. It's also cool knowing how we construct memory- every time we recall something, it changes. All of what we think are memories aren't accurate!!
Sometimes, I forget to remember. When I look back, I realize my message was always very clear. I'm now finding the context and platform for myself to synthesize it and deliver it. It is a message of feminism but of embracing femininity and not trying to be masculine to win the game. It is a message of self acceptance in the end, that is more universal.
Being back in my element now, I'm running into chance encounters again. This means I'm on my "path"
Eckhart Tolle's New Earth really touched me. It helped me re-evaluate the ego and its role. The sensitivity I experience is really just my ego, and me taking things personally is a reflection of that and it isn't anything constructive. I also learned of the pain body. Those with heavier pain bodies have the potential to transform it into something powerful. In my best moments, I feel the raw emotion inside of me come out to help. I want to enact change. I want to help people.
Someone told me recently that when he met me he felt he started to undergo a transformation. He realized there was hope for him to live life the way he wanted to, to find happiness, a new start.
Maybe i'm starting to become a symbol of the destruction/recreation process I've forced myself into many times.
A guy grabbed my face and tried to make out with me when I was only just being friendly and engaging him in conversation (NO flirting at all). It felt very disturbing to me when I refused him and he said, what, do you have a boyfriend or something? As if I had to be claimed to not want to make out with him, otherwise I'm open territory. It sucked, the entitlement, especially coming from someone who seemed like such a nice guy. He's so indoctrinated in this masculine entitlement that it was natural for him to say that as his response. I really didn't like it.
But I do like it when one person in particular acts territorial towards me, even when we both know he shouldn't. Because I know he cares. I suppose it's the people we choose to open up to, we want to allow them to claim us, that we are okay with submitting to.
I'm not a submissive person by nature even though I used to be by default because of my upbringing. Now when I submit to someone, it's a choice, it's out of respect, it's allowing them the power to set the tone. This is a rare thing. This means I trust and want you. This power is not to be taken lightly.
What is sex appeal? Why do some people refuse to harness its power? Are they afraid?
Is Gone Girl a representation of someone who's so confused by all the social roles a woman has to play and refuses to play them anymore, to then set the rules of the game?
Or is it just a version of sociopathy.
