Out

Yesterday:

Visa appointment in the morning. Made a new friend while standing outside the consulate, waiting for the door to be opened. The French consulate was a lot different from the Chinese consulate- the former was super structured w/ appointments, checking in, metal detector.. the latter was a mad house, take a number, and wish for the best of luck. While waiting to pay the $70 fee, someone announced something over the loud speaker. I turned to my friend and said "I didn't catch any of that french! Uh Oh!" he said "Erm.. I think that was English."

Met Ray for a drink and a bite at Mudd. We went into the backyard. I had:

while discussing Ray's Joseph Gordon Levitt existential crisis. Afterwards, I headed over to Sam's apartment on 26th street. Alessia, Ali, Maddy, and Ross were there, as well as a bunch of people from Westport for Ari's birtday. A few drinks up on the roof- it was a lovely night, perfect weather. Maddy's boyfriend Flav was visiting her from Paris. They met while she was studying abroad all of last year. He made me feel a lot better about going to Paris, he said he would show me around, which is great because the #1 complaint I hear from people who have been is that they found it hard making French friends. We all headed to Spring & Lafayette to a bar. On the ride over, Anna and Ali got in a convo about the holocaust- Ali is Jewish and Anna is half German. Eventually the cab driver got involved too. I stayed out of it. After a drink at the bar I left to go meet Alessia and Kristen at the Jane hotel.

I didn't realize I'd run into so many people there that I knew. I ran into Chris and Sky, then Austin, whose birthday it was, Danielle, Abby (both of whom I haven't seen in more than a year), Gabby, and then Humberto! I haven't seen Humberto in so so long! He said he would be in Paris in October, bc Opening Ceremony is collaborating with Parisian designers this season. Alessia and I caught sight of Mary Kate Olsen.

Alessia Kristen and I left around 3. The cab driver was being a total dick to Alessia, and when I'm drunk sometimes I turn into a justice avenger and have no problem mouthing off to people. I was like "yo why you gotta be like that to her???". For being rude, I gave him a $1 tip and didn't close the door all the way upon exiting, that pissed him off. I went to the corner and got pizza- my couch has a pizza plate on it and pizza crumbs.. that's how I know I was pretty damn drunk last night. Man, it was a good night though- reminded me of why I used to go out so much.

Anyway, I finished 'Fallen Angels' yesterday afternoon.

It was great, but I wouldn't say it's better than 'Chungking Express', which it was originally a part of. It dealt with similar themes, isolation/disconnection of cities (the more urban, the more people are constantly around you, the more people develop the ability to retreat into themselves with their technology- ipods, cell phones, computers.), expiration dates (in CE, Takeshi Kaneshiro's character collects pineapple cans that are going to expire on May 30 and eats them all before they expire. The date represents the anniversary of him and his girlfriend, who broke up with him. I interpreted his binge on his inability to let the relationship expire. In FA, his character becomes mute after eating an expired can of pineapples. Both of his characters were doppelgangers of each other, bc in CE he's a cop, and in FA he's a criminal. Tying in some Jungian psychoanalysis, FA would be 'the shadow' of CE. Also, it dealt with the inability to communicate- this repression that most people feel now when it comes to expressing their feelings. 1. they're unable to fully articulate exactly how they feel, because language only allows so much expression, and 2. they're afraid, bc we've all evolved to be so fearful of rejection and admitting feelings that we often can't anymore, and our desires are displaced into perversions rather than healthy relationships. In both films, no one admits their feelings, we mostly only hear them through voice overs. Feelings are only admitted to each other through letters delivered anonymously, or sneaking into someone's apartment and cleaning it for them. In both, the most verbally honest are the ones who get hurt.

recurrent symbols:

aviation

stewardesses (I think it represents the idea of flightiness. in both movies, the stewardess is the heart breaking ex girlfriend)

pineapples

jukebox (symbolizes sterility, technology communicating our feelings for us...the music played in both movies has very relevant lyrics)

blonde, lonely women- their dyed blonde hair symbolizes artificiality, a guise, they both pretend to be strong and independent, but really they're both very vulnerable. one's looking for rest and the other's looking for attention.

the colors were definitely reminiscent of CE, the colors of a post apocalyptic dystopian nightmare. Can't say I liked the other story line with the hitman- i didn't connect to him that much, but he reminds me of the drug lord from CE whom I also wasn't able to connect to very much, but that may be the point, because these characters have careers that don't allow them to form real connections with anyone bc they can't trust anyone. I thought the last scene was perfect. left me with the same feeling that the opening riff in Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs leaves me- this convoluted mass of entangled feelings. When I hear that song, I don't know how to feel, because I feel so much, and I can't articulate the feeling it induces because there's no word for it. It's refreshing, encountering that, when most media and advertisements are aimed at targeting one concise emotion. I forget that feelings aren't just limited to the definable.

In other news, I'm hung over.

Past few weeks in photos

Left to right, top to bottom:

4th of July weekend camping on Blueberry Island (island off of New Hampshire that Sam's family owns), making pizza from scratch in Boston, Pennsylvania (Penn's cave, upside down cat, building sand castles on a beach that is actually a lake, 7 mile bike ride to the natatorium & found tin man on the way, hot tub)

Not pictured:

-skinny dipping in the ocean after setting off fire works on the island, seeing the big dipper

-eagles, potatoes, tents, boats, chocolate pillow

-tea-candle lit bubble bath in boston

-bonnie & clyde food stealing incident (accident I swear)

-giant subs and heart shaped logs

-picnic & milk weed & pussy willow in my hair& swings and playgrounds in a park in pennsylvania

-night time stroll and lying in the empty road, looking at the stars. big dipper once again.

-rockband, lots.

In NYC:

-bday dinner at Los Feliz

-Alessia's bday at La Esquina then table at Blind Barber

-row boats in central park

-Meghan and Paulie at blkmrkt

-Sky's bday with Chris at Cory's apt

-Moma

-Meg's friends The Hymns at Joe's Pub

-texas sized pina coladas & margaritas with extra shots.. Poured mine into Nick's.. I had a scratched cornea that day when we also saw Twilight and I had to wear sunglasses in the movie theater because my eyes were hurting so much- hence the glasses. Nick said I looked like I would be named "Soojin"

-Annie's garden bday

Not pictured: too many moments, but most notably, the Guggenheim, last ceremonial yoga class, first yoga class when Nick looked like a floppy wet whale, BK dinner party, random BK party, secret back room, white castle

p.s. I made these on keynote.

Why do vampires sparkle?

Some time last year I was kind of obsessed with vampires.

I know, I know, not surprising. The whole world was.

I had grown up thinking that vampires shrivel and burn in the sunlight, probably thanks to early exposure to 'Interview with the Vampire' and 'Dracula'. To me, the vampires in 'Let the Right One In' (which they've remade, btw. Here's the trailer: surprisingly doesn't look bad like most American remakes do)made the most sense, what happened to them in sunlight was pretty gnarly. Second would be 'True Blood', stuff happens to them too under the sun. 'Twilight' however, didn't make any sense. So vampires sparkle in the sun, but nothing happens to them? What? Why? I always felt like I was missing something there.

Today I wandered upon this and sparkles made a lot more sense.

It makes the claim that a vampire is a highly evolved bug. Most of the world's blood suckers (referred to as hematophages in the post) are bugs. Vampires must feed before they reproduce, like fleas. To reproduce, they undergo horizontal gene transfer like some parasites which means that if they don't kill their prey, then the parasitic genes will be passed on into the host and will embed itself into the DNA and mutate the host.

The transformation into vampire is like the metamorphosis of a butterfly, but without the pupil stage. They then remember their lives as humans, just like butterflies can remember lessons from back in the caterpillar stage. They also have exoskeleton-like skin and are cold blooded. Vampires are faster, stronger, and have better vision, akin to the tiger beetle (fastest land animal), horned dung beetle (strongest animal), & most insects see better than humans (bees apparently process color 5x faster than humans). Also insects don't have heart beats and are super hard to kill!

and like butterflies, some of which feed on blood, they have tiny iridescent scales that shimmer in the sun! Also butterflies are highly adapted at camouflaging! Just like vampies that pretend they are normal high school students (even though they all look about 25)

More interesting is that if you read the comments, one person mentions that Guillermo del Toro's 1993 film Cronos is a vampire movie, and the parasite which turns the character into a vampire is a bug! I really want to watch this now. But tonight I'm going to watch Fallen Angels. I have 600 movies in my queue. Strange word. Q would be fine, so would qu, so would que, they all would be pronounced the same, so why the extra letters?

panic attack

I was dismissed early from work today. I took my usual walk home, and somewhere around 30th st and Park my vision turned blurry, my legs went numb and I couldn't feel myself walking anymore. The gray sky turned hostile, I wondered if I was floating, I felt like I was being poisoned. My lungs felt like they had shriveled up into raisins, my breaths were shallow and for a moment I forgot whether I was dead or alive. One thought crossed my mind: "Oh no." I put my hand on my chest to feel my heart beat, it was erratically beating like a broken metronome.

I felt like I was drowning inside myself.

I tried to trace my thoughts. What led me here? I hadn't had a panic attack to this extent since the beginning of January. That's right, I was thinking about the time frame right around then. Maybe too deeply.

The bad thing about having a panic attack is that, even when you're trying to calm yourself, you're panicking about trying to calm yourself. I try to distract myself as best I can, but when concentrating on not fainting, standing up straight, appearing calm so no one else freaks out, debating whether to sit down or move as fast as you can to get home as quickly as possible so you don't cause a scene on the street, and especially on struggling to take in little sips of air, it's a bit difficult to fit any other thoughts in your brain.

Eventually I decided to keep walking so I could get home. I bought a packet of caramels from a magazine vendor, my hands were shaking so hard I could barely get them opened or pay. I chewed each hard caramel to take my mind off of hyperventilating. It seemed to work.

Just a few weeks ago I was anything but anxious. I don't know how I got myself back here again.

Loss/Gains function

What that is, is the Loss/Gains function. I learned about it in my Thinking Seminar last semester. It relates to Tversky and Kahneman (2 psychologists) theory, called Prospect Theory, as well as their Loss Aversion theory.

An overview of what this is: the function for losses is steeper, meaning losses are experienced much more than gains. What this function recommends practically is that it is better to experience lots of losses at the same time, because as you can see, the more losses, the more the loss function levels out. Basically, a lot of losses lumped together don't effect you as much as if you experienced each one on its own. However, it is better to experience gains individually, as the same thing happens if you lump them all together- there's less of an impact. The more you have, the less of an effect gaining more will have.

It's true though. When I have the most in my life, each thing I acquire means less to me. Those moments when you have nothing at all, one good thing means so much.

After school ended I took a mental break and read a few books about perception. A lot of these books said that positivity and negativity are just states of mind, neither is more true than the other, and the lucky thing for humans is that you can consciously choose which to abide by. With every situation there can be two interpretations, and those who are more oriented to negative will experience it negatively while the positive person will see the good.

I noticed that when I am feeling the most negative, bad things happen. Then it's a snowball effect, the more I feel badly, the more bad things happen, which makes me feel even worse, then more bad things happen!

A week ago, it seemed that everything was going wrong. I started feeling anxious and crappy, then I learned that the girl I was subletting from wasn't paying the rent that I had been wiring her, and I was about to be evicted. I was let down by a few people in my life. I woke up one morning with a scratched cornea and could barely see anything.

But then I remembered that function, and I realized that it's better to experience all of these bad things at the same time so I can move on from them faster, plus they have less of an impact. Though logically we would think that having one good thing happen, then one bad thing happen, over a span of time would balance better- false. Lots of bad things then one good thing balances better.

When I realized this, I realized that was my first beacon of positivity.

I also noticed that.. You know those people who are so stuck in their negativity and they''re just helpless victims, and you try to get them to see the light but it seems they don't even want to change and they tell you it's reality and you're in denial? You can put those people at the bottom of the function and then it all makes sense. They've gotten to a point where it's pretty stable where they are, and they're pretty numb to all the bad things that happen. Climbing upwards is very steep though, and it's daunting, and they don't want to do it. It is hardest when making those first few steps up the function. Then after those preliminary first few weeks, it's easier and easier to stay positive as the function levels out. It's like those first few weeks when you've let yourself go and are starting to eat healthy again and work out. Working out is a bummer, it's hard, all you want to do is sit around instead, and it's hard to kick those sugar/salt/dairy cravings. But once you overcome it and pass the 0 point, it's easy.

Walking Home

My Consulate appointment on Friday for my French visa requires 2 passport photos. After a terrible few experiences at Walgreens at Astor place, including times when:

1. I was in a hurry and heading over to the global programs office right after picking up my passport photos so I could drop those off before the deadline- I found out while handing in my photos that they were of an angry fat man.

2. they made me wait half an hour, even though they told me my photos would be ready at 12pm and it was 6:30 when I arrived to pick them up. During that time span of half an hour, the lady told me:

a) they were not yet printed

b) she had no record of them ever existing

c) she lost them

Finally she found them, and said to take them upstairs. I was so angry, so I walked out without paying for them.

--I want to avoid going there at all costs. Plus it takes too long for them to print passport photos. I was thinking right after I left the office today that I needed to find a place that prints passport photos immediately on site.. I traced back a memory from freshman year during which I randomly found a store that printed photos for me for a new fake ID after I had gotten my Oregon one taken away. I couldn't remember the exact location of the store though.

My walks home, I usually zone out to the sounds of the city and to the music on my ipod. I get lost in my head, meandering in rumination, problem solving, plans for the future. Walking walking walking.. suddenly I snapped back into reality and realized I was on a completely wrong street! I didn't know why I took that turn when I did! At the exact moment I noticed my mis-location, I looked around to scan where I was, and I was standing right in front of...

...the store in my memory! the one that prints passport photos asap!

moments like this, i realize that even though my conscious mind is that of a 21 year old, with limited experience to draw upon, there is another compartment of my brain, possibly the subconscious, that knows what's going on even, and especially, when my conscious mind tunes out.

In psychology, I learned that experiments in which a person is presented a complex puzzle to complete, those who have no distractions perform worse than those that are distracted by something else. Almost like the answer arises naturally when the subject isn't trying to solve it.

Also, books about the subconscious have advised that when there's a difficult problem, it's better to leave it alone and the answer will miraculously appear to you at random. For instance, sometimes people wake up with a solution, or sometimes even business or artistic ideas that are fully formed. David Lynch's Blue Velvet was birthed that way, he wanted an idea for a film, and one morning he woke up with the vision of a severed ear in grass. Einstein discovered the theory of relativity because he had a dream of himself traveling besides a beam of light. The books caution that when something comes to you, don't ignore it! You'd be wasting something from a creative resource much bigger than what you have access to consciously. Some books that deal with this: 'Catching the Big Fish' by David Lynch, and 'The Power of Your Subconscious Mind'. This concept is also touched on in New Age philosophies such as the law of attraction, though they sometimes make it seem a bit cheesy.

Lynch suggests meditation for easier access to the lucid parts of the brain. I tried meditation for a little while after my spring semester ended, but to stop thinking, I had to think "breathe breathe breathe" which is a thought anyway. I got frustrated and gave up.

I wonder what else my subconscious has brewing. I think it's all a matter of patience and faith that it's all being taken care of and will appear at the right time, even though my 21 yr old consciousness is impatient and all about quick fixes and instant gratification. I guess a big part of maturity is pulling back and accepting non-action as action- waiting, and knowing everything will be alright in time, and not rushing for a solution, and not getting frustrated heated or anxious.

Anyway this loser I mean, slick dude (he saw and got offended) is distracting me with his cat:

I should figure out what I'm going to do about dinner. I've traded my nicotine addiction for diet coke and cranberry chews & that makes me kind of spazzy.

Reuniting

Tonight I had dinner with Laurel. I haven't seen her in over a year, the last being when I left for LA in May of '09. Laurel was the first person I saw the day before my departure. She left for Prague after a summer in NYC, for a year.

We went to Brooklyn to Sel De Mer.

I had been thinking of Laurel lately. Remembering our nights in LA before college, going to parties, and her driving my car home when I was too drunk to drive. Vegan dinners at our favorite restaurant: Real Food Daily. Screaming at the top of our lungs late at night when the roads were vacant, singing to our favorite song at the time, Heartbeats by the Knife. Our first weeks in New York, finding boxes on the street and playing in them. Laughing so hard my stomach hurt while we entertained ourselves while waiting for the train to take us back into Manhattan. Our nights at Rubulad, drinking absinthe, eating pot brownies. That time when we went to Barnes and Noble to research 'The Game', was hit on by an old professor, and left him with 2 copies of that book on his table. My 19th birthday bash in a 4 story Soho apartment with a hot tub on the terrace and $1500 of booze and a bouncer, where 400 people showed up when I had made out a list of 100. Laurel brought Indian food for birthday dinner beforehand.

Laurel and I discussed how when we left LA we were so tired of it, and for a few years we were both in love with NYC and thought we could spend our lives there. Now, we've both reached a point when we're tired of NYC and slowly, LA is growing on us. It is a sanctuary now, we both go back and don't see that many people while we're there- it's a needed break, a moment for reflection. It was nice to know that she felt the same way.

Seeing her made me realize how much we've both grown, and our mistakes along the way with people, friends, boyfriends, have all been for a good reason, because we now know what it is we're looking for. Travelling abroad has shown us who our real friends were coming back. Often those that you'd think would be most excited to see you when you're back are often times the ones that don't care at all because now you're "irrelevant". Boys we once thought could mean a lot turn out to not mean anything at all. Friends who have stuck by you, but feed you negativity constantly, are ones you have to cut out. These are sad realizations, but necessary ones.

This is an interesting time, when everyone we've known and grown up with is now doing separate things entirely. Laurel offered me some great, and much needed, perspective on longevity of interests.

Before parting, she said to me, "Can you believe that in the next few years people that we know will be getting married and having children?"

I couldn't believe it. How fast life is moving. How much we change and don't notice. How even though in the moment of a mistake, I experience extreme lament, it's all for a good reason later.

After I left to go back to Manhattan, everything shifted back into perspective, and I realized that life is a beautiful thing. We each get what is meant for us, and we get what we want if we want it enough.

Marcel Proust

Last semester in my Contemporary Conversation course, my french professor had us memorize a passage. His reason: for us to internalize it.

Mais, quand d’un passé ancien rien ne subsiste, après la mort des êtres, après la destruction des choses, seules, plus frêles mais plus vivaces, plus immatérielles, plus persistantes, plus fidèles, l’odeur et la saveur restent encore longtemps, comme des âmes, à se rappeler, à attendre, à espérer, sur la ruine de tout le reste, à porter sans fléchir, sur leur gouttelette presque impalpable, l’édifice immense du souvenir.

Even now, I find myself reciting this passage in my dreams. The English translation:

When from a long-distant past nothing subsists, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered, still, alone, more fragile, but with more vitality, more unsubstantial, more persistent, more faithful, the smell and taste of things remain poised a long time, like souls, ready to remind us, waiting and hoping for their moment, amid the ruins of all the rest; and bear unfaltering, in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence, the vast structure of recollection.

I asked him once why he wanted us to internalize this passage, I wanted to know what the passage meant to him so I would know what it should mean to me. He evaded the subject and essentially told me that it would mean what I wanted it to mean. Either that, or I really couldn't understand the French he used to answer my question.

I realized that the reason why this quote has stuck into the crevices of my subconscious is because of how many moments when I have felt my own destruction. The destruction of all I've known, I've experienced more than a handful of times this past year. I have left contexts behind and started new, in many ways, beyond just travelling. Each time I experience a break down when I feel I have nothing to hold on to anymore, everything I thought I knew firmly becomes rubble and I'm left on a flimsy wood deck, perched upon stones, broken planks, and sand. I came to think I was innately a self destructive person, always creating my demise.

But then I realized, that there is so much potential for recollection. An opportunity, to create something better, to start over and build upon a stronger foundation, to create a structure to live in for the rest of my life that will not topple over.

This reminds me of the film 'Hero' (Zhang Yi Mou). The character nameless is asked to write the word "Jian" which in Chinese has 19 different meanings by a man he has to duel with later, but he was asked to write it in the 20th way which didn't exist. We find out later that this technique was employed because his enemy wanted to see his brush strokes, which would demonstrate his sword fighting technique. I think the reason why he did this was because Chinese writing is constrained, there's a specific pattern for each stroke utilized in each word and the structure wouldn't have allowed a proper exhibition of nameless's fighting technique.

So sometimes, we have to scrap convention, order, destroy it entirely, to be able to see what we need to see in the 20th version that doesn't yet exist. Maybe we have to base it on something that already exists, but the 20th is all our own.

Haunted

For the past few weeks now, I have had a homesick feeling. It wasn't for home though, it was a longing for Shanghai. I had spent fall semester last year studying in Shanghai, where some crazy things happened. I was happy there, so happy, but towards the end I fell into a sort of depression and developed insomnia. I think it was because I was in Paradise, but as someone always looking forward into the future, I was scared for my eminent departure, and return to the "real" world. I think my insomnia was my body's effort to extend the amount of time there, especially during nights, because Shanghai nights were beautiful.

some notable moments:

-japanese business men that took us to the huge invite only Hennessy event. They had a bar for each mixer that you could possibly think of to mix your hennessy with. Then afterwards they took us to M1NT, a member's only club- and we all had dinner on them when they went to a business meeting. Later we were escorted to a big booth where huge bottles of champagne came one after another. The son of Shiseido was one of the business men supplying this night for us. They were celebrating a business deal. Someone who worked for them for weeks after kept calling me and texting me, one night I got 15 missed calls and a bunch of text messages begging me to go to a car race with him. I never responded.

-me wanting to expand beyond kids in our program and meet some locals, so Alessia and I went to the Shangri-La to Jade on 36, probably one of the most expensive meals of my life, I think the bill came out to be 3,000 RMB between both of us.. which meant it was around $250 each person. Alessia called to book a reservation and the hostess said if it was one of our birthdays we would get a discount equivalent to that age. Alessia said it was my birthday. They gave us a cake. When Alessia went to the bathroom one of the waiters came to try to talk to me and asked if it was my birthday. Since my Chinese wasn't that good at the beginning of the program when this happened, I got nervous, and said "I don't know." We then pretended it was Alessia's birthday because I messed up. I wrote a review for them when they handed one of those comment cards over with the check, I started laughing uncontrollably, and our waiter who definitely had been trained too well with mannerisms had a problem keeping a straight face. He ran into the kitchen and I heard a burst of laughter that would not stop. Later the waiters walked me out and told me that they loved me. I was drunk. I think I drew them a picture. That night as I was leaving the Shangri La a man held open the door for me.

He asked if we were in fashion, and told us he was a fashion party planner. Turns out he was one of the most prominent planners in the city, with the ins to every good restaurant and party. He turned out to be a good friend, and told us where to go, expat parties, exclusive events. One time he even booked us the best table at Laris during peak hours when it was overcrowded for a party of 5 when we had wanted to change restaurants last minute. Alessia and I went to his house one time after he showed us around the French Concession and he showed us a folder called "conversation starters" which had all these pictures with him and his family friend Ang Lee and all the fashion shows he had been to (including the one Fendi did at the great wall of China). He took us to what became my favorite restaurant in the city, "Mr. and Mrs. Bund" (the Maitre D whom I became friends with. One time I was on a date and I'm still not sure what happened but he accidentally almost kissed me and felt bad so he sent over a glass of free wine). One time Alessia and I went to a party which we didn't know but was called "Pervert Night" where people were dressed in leather, cracking whips, little midgets in chains. We ran into Bob there. Oh man.

-dating an administrator in the program, which turned out to be pretty controversial, as seen in the end of semester reviews of the staff, someone wrote that admins should not be dating students especially if they had control over their grades (I wish he had control over my grades, but that wasn't the case. He once marked me as present even though I was ditching class, but that didn't even work because the teacher kept records!)

-drawing blue dots all over my friend's face after he had fallen off the back gate and had a concussion and then he went outside to get noodles forgetting that he had dots on his face

-being told by one of my best friends that he was in love with me right before we were supposed to go on a trip together. we were guided by his dad's business partner during that trip to Zhang Jia Jie, who tried to set me up with him and get me to marry into his family.

-telling someone that I hope he died because he fucked over my best friend and left her without her phone, wallet, and coat. We went to his place after to get the coat check number, and I found him in bed with another girl.

++++ so many moments

but mostly I miss the smells and the feelings. I felt so comfortable there, and no matter how many times I return to Shanghai in the future, I won't get what I felt back. My whole experience was time sensitive. It was the people. The living situation. My age.

The homesickness made me want to sit alone and think so hard so that I might be able to re create my memories as fully as I could, and re enter into my world there that only lives in my memory now. But like Nabokov said, "it is all a matter of love. The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is"

Then Nick and I went to the Guggenheim a few days ago. They had an exhibit, titled Haunted all about the melancholic process of memory- of trying to capture memory appropriately, but not ever being able to capture it elusive qualities. After following the spiral architecture of the museum, one picture got my attention:

(Miranda Lichtenstein's 'The Floater') What this photo meant to me: The girl's head above water represents her looking into the present moment, while the reflection represents to me her looking into the past, because the reflection is taking the place of her brain, (perhaps suggesting being in her head). The process of looking 'back' drowns you.

Oh China, how I miss you.

Inception

There's always been a conflicting purpose when it comes to my writing.

Part of me writes for me, I write with brutal honesty and reflect candidly. I post the most embarrassing experiences in detail. I am fully vulnerable in an attempt to reach catharsis, because it feels good to be able to express the darkest moments without holding back. But in those instances, I can't share what I write. And I'm frustrated, because there's no point in writing when no one can read it. Over the years, I've started blog after blog, some anonymously, but each time I felt like I was being too open and it made me feel too vulnerable for comfort. Often I would post something, then after realizing if someone I knew read it, it would create some drama that I didn't want to deal with (I've learned this the hard way unfortunately when I've gotten in fights in middle school...)

Then there's my intent to let people read what I write, but then a filter is necessary, and I feel stifled.

You can't have both, I suppose. But that is life, always trying to find and maintain a balance. Over the years its been my biggest struggle, sometimes overdoing it, or sometimes doing nothing at all. Partying too hard, or going through periods when I abstained for long stretches of time and withdrew. Thinking too much and sometimes not thinking at all.

College was when I finally acknowledged the problem and sought balance. First it started when I started doing yoga, then macrobiotics, which made me feel amazing for the months I was subscribing to the lifestyle. Unfortunately it was too time consuming as I would have to think too much about food and restrictions that I got tired of it.

And then I went to Shanghai and learned the way of the Tao, that life is like the tides, always fluctuating, and there was no point in struggling against the tide and trying to contain or control it. I learned that the secret to balance is to not try too hard to be in balance. And that is what I'm trying now, with this website.

This creative process reminds me of a review I read a few days ago about the movie Inception. After seeing the movie, it stuck in my head and I have had trouble thinking about anything other than the film for a few days now. It's been a while since a movie stimulated me, made me consider all possibilities, meanings, symbolisms. What captivated me the most was Nolan's ability to make an impossibly smart, thoughtful film, but execute it for the mainstream audience.

Here's the article

Essentially it discusses 'Inception' within the framework of film making. The author believes that the whole film is a metaphor for Nolan's process... an eternal struggle between making something for the benefit of consumerism/the public, but also making art that is personal, as symbolized by Mal, who is his muse. He's seduced by Mal, by a yearning to make art that is all inspired by her and completely unrelatable. At the end he escapes this desire and succeeds with his Saito plot, Saito represents him making a piece for the public.

I thought, how interesting. That is what I strive to do.

What are utensil birds?

Last semester I had horrible insomnia. I went to acupuncture. He prescribed me herbs. They were huge horse pills and I was told to take 10 a day. That was daunting and didn't work (maybe because I couldn't swallow that many in a day nor did I want to). I went the psychiatric way and went to my health center and walked out 10 minutes later with a prescription for a 30 day supply of ambiens.

One day, after drinking too much caffeine trying to stay awake writing a tedious paper, I wanted to go to sleep. Au natural was frustrating, my heart was palpatating, and the caffeine anxiety was developing into a consuming, mental anxiety. So I took an ambien. Little did I know, I started tripping out as if I were on a lethal dose of ecstasy. These are the texts that ensued:

Once this idea was birthed, it stayed in my head like Inception. The next morning I psychoanalyzed myself and realized the utensil bird was me- lost in this world looking for my niche.

Then I went to Disneyland after school ended. Amongst spinning tea cups, talking puppets, hookah smoking caterpillars, I realized utensil birds came from a plane in the creative collective unconscious similar to that of Disney. It was sick, crazy, but there was something sadly sweet- a land of unexplored potential and curiosity.

It became a song. Then later it became a stuffed animal that I made with my little brothers, a pink plush toy that I broke up plastic forks and spoons and spray painted silver and glued to its wings and body.

so...

What this is... is a utensil bird trying to find her niche, a restaurant that utilizes fully its specialty and uniqueness. She's not quite a bird, not quite a utensil, but in this world that makes you choose which you are and stick with it, it's been pretty hard finding that place of acceptance.

so follow me.

Who am I? About to be a senior at NYU. Travelled abroad to Shanghai last year, and going to Paris to study in the fall. I'm a psych major, a cinema studies/french minor. My life is funny, random, surprising, confusing, indecisive. Trying to pave a path for myself but easily distracted by secret roads (those are often the most fun). I went to an all girl's school for 7 years before NYU in Brentwood, Los Angeles. Lots of stories about that. Lots of stories, in fact, about my crazy life and my realizations. I define my life not by events, but by what I learn through introspection and reflection. Partly very social, partly very introverted. Sometimes a mess.