merry xmas. i've been hittin' the nog pretty hard according to nick.

xxmas

i miss

i miss:

-my walks back from Chaussée D'antin Lafayette, turning up that hill to rue de martyrs while listening to the radio on my phone when my ipod wasn't charged
-my 2 heaters, and what felt like bathing in my room
-my rose petal comforter
-my balcony door that wouldn't close, letting in a perpetual leakage of cold air
-the elementary school across the street which i wouldn't notice until i was naked and standing in front of the window
-the day viewed from my balcony, building tops blending in with the serene sky
-our kitchen's red floor
-eating tuna sandwiches with eggs and olives and corn from my favorite bakery Maison Lendemain in my living room, drinking green tea from Rose Bakery in cream cups with pastel stripes
-my cheap phone that reduced text messages to just yes, no, call me's and short banter
-my elevator, brightly lit, cramped and small, the awkwardness it induced whenever more than 1 person was in it
-my vintage gold keys
-dog poop everywhere
-that sketchy little alley i walked through every day to get to the 7 train at cadet
-having friends so open and accessible at all times, context-free, just happy, exploring, understanding, lost and immersing with you.
-unpredictability
-the cramped metros, different colored lines, vending machines with bueno bars and diet coke with high quality artificial sweetener
-carafe de l'eau and bread baskets at every meal
-conversations that flowed from alcohol and nights out in cabs back home
-knowing it was the NOW and that i still had time.
-knowing that life was perfect as it stood, and that if i died, i would have had no regrets.

Last Days

Thursday: After my final in the morning, I went back home. Chris came over around 4 and Aris came over shortly after to bake cookies for Chris' class. It was some type of dark chocolate cookie with apricot jam and chocolate on the inside. Well before we started they both put on my lipstick.

I was supposed to go to dinner with Katie and her dad in Montmartre but I was too tired, I had crashed from my sleep schedule of all nighters and too many exams. I missed Aris' dinner at his house as well and didn't end up going out.

Friday: Carla and I went to Rose Bakery for the last time. I had a tofu curry over rice and a mocha soya.

Afterwards we went to school to get our deposits back, then we met up with Nassim and Priya after shopping a bit on Passy, and we walked over to the Eiffel Tower across the Inception bridge.

Nassim and I waited for an hour, but because of the heavy snow, the top was shut down and the elevator only went up to the 2nd story, which we thought wasn't worth it.

Nassim went home to get a sweater and I met up with Priya and Carla at Carla's apartment. Carla's apartment had a secret door through the stairwell. After hanging out for a little bit, we met up with Nassim again and headed to Bastille to Chez Janou for southern french food.

It was the best french food I've had. I had the swordfish over rice pilaf and vegetables, and shared some of Carla's minced cod mashed potatoes. We all ordered Aperitifs and toasted to Paris.

Afterwards, Katie came and met us after dinner with her dad, and we all split desserts. I ordered a Creme Brulee, Nassim ordered a citrus meringue cake, and Katie ordered a berry crumble.

I was in a terrible mood, so I decided to go home. We bid farewell on the metro- I passed my metro card onto Carla.

The next morning I woke up at 8 and finished packing, and took a cab with Aurelle. Luckily our elevators were working. Worst airport experience of my life, however. It took ridiculously long and most of us almost missed our flight which ended up being delayed by 2 hours because the aircraft needed to be defrosted.

Boston

Been hanging with Nick in Boston. So far, I've slept a lot a lot. I also knocked over his christmas tree. Now we are wrapping presents for his family.

Nick picked me up at the airport with flowers. He took me home and had made me veggie chili that day. We had some wine, then went to sleep. The next day he took me to get coffee, then we walked around Cambridge and saw Black Swan which I didn't like at all. We figured out it was because it was a bit too perfect and neat, there wasn't any ambiguity. I thought it was like Garden State, some sort of straddling the border between art film and big budget film. The last few scenes were great though. I think it was overhyped.

Then we went to get some presents for his fam in Harvard Square where we ran into Scott on the train, finally got to meet him! Then we came back, made hot toddy's, and watched Cronos then some sappy holiday movie while I passed out because 9pm is actually 3am Paris time. Slept 10 hours. We went to Brunch today and I had eggs benedict and coffee. I ordered Nick's present today.

My tummy hurts. Last night I got in a really bad mood after I drank because I missed Paris so much. I haven't been that sad in a long, long time.

last few days i felt strange, because my mind had already left, since i had prepared for weeks for my departure. physically, though absent, empty, i was still in paris.

the only thing separating me from paris and being in the states was time, and since time is such an abstract concept, there was nothing to grab onto for conceptual understanding. hence why i was so confused for a while.

now i'm here, and i feel like my mind has met my body again, in this airport, waiting, waiting. always waiting. they only meet when i have a small creneau of time to process and digest. i suppose this is good for me, despite how annoying it feels. after such a long time of being on the move all the time, some time alone feels uncomfortable. i used to love spending time alone.

paris feels like a dream. my schemas have adjusted so that the states feel concrete again, being in an airport spurs my memories of being in an airport before leaving. paris feels so far away. more than temporally. i feel alive again, in a different way, after a little death. there's nothing here that's keeping the memory of paris alive for me except for myself. and myself, i'm already readjusting to life here in the states, so it's dying. and soon it will be buried in the past. or maybe just forgotten. knowing that kills me.

what now?

who knows

everything from new york is flooding back into me and it feels like i never left.

i guess when we grow we have to create alternate selves that exist on different planes in different temporal spaces. a part of me, i hope, will continue to live in that fantasy and i won't be reminded of it until i revisit it again. the senses hold so much power over memory, memory is nothing without sensory input. whatever is in our immediate surroundings forms our thoughts and i want to stop forming these thoughts i want to go back to my old ones.

airport

sitting in the airport. i missed my flight to boston. my hands are numb and red from toting around the 10 kilos of stuff i scooped out of my baggage to be able to not pay 255 euros worth of overweight charges. our flight got delayed by 2 hours because of the snow, because they needed to defrost the whole plane. i missed my flight by just a few minutes, after the gate closed, and had to change it to a 10:50 flight. thank god the worst part is over.

more soon.. pics coming..

sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. mrrrrrrrrr.. mrrrrrrrrr... mrrrrrr.. (frustrated sounds)

i want to go back NOW!

Quote of the day

Connie:

you cant help feelings

they creep up on you without your consent

like an emotional rapist

Week recap

Monday, after school I met Carla at the Grand Epicurie

I've never seen so many Haribos before in my life

Chocolate covered ants, 24k gold Champagne lollipops

Scorpion and ant lollies

bling water, this water was $50 a bottle...

candied flowers

Bon Marche

Cafe, figuring out our next move
La Grand Roue (higher than the eiffel tower)
The view from up there, the tower started glittering, perfect timing. Ca tombe bien!
Coming to a close...
Tuesday: packed, I think I can fit my stuff into the two suitcases I brought...

Then Chris came over and he cooked salmon and had me cut up vegetables but I made them too big and the salad looked ugly. Then we recorded Utensil Birds and a Justin Bieber cover.

Wednesday: Oral exam, then written exam for Film. It went well, I was asked to discuss my most recently viewed movie which was Le Mepris. I talked about phallic imagery and had to avert my gaze cuz I couldn't look my teacher in the eye when I was talking about it. Then he asked me to describe something funny that has happened to me and I couldn't think of anything! So I told him about the bum fight that happened and he didn't understand why it was funny and I responded because they were ugly and dirty? I didn't know what else to say!

Then we went to the church and Katie & Nassim sang for everyone for their singing in fr. class. Then they screened all of our movies we made for our advanced convo class, and actually, during my oral exam my professor told me that his was all of their favorites when the professors watched them the night before. Maybe we'll win something?

Came home, studied for my 9am, last, final. Didn't really sleep last night. Took my final and now I'm in bed. Today... Gustave Moreau, that very famous candy store, maybe rose bakery, baking cookies, dinner in Montmartre with Katie and her dad, then Jocelyn is spinning at La Fidelite and then afterwards maybe Montana? Tomorrow, basquiat, packing? Take money out, deposit rent!!!!!

Oh, the handiman finally came after 1 month of pleading with him to come fix my heat and my window and the bath tub and sink. 4 days before we leave he finally comes and fixes everything. Lovely.

Part 3 last weekend

That night I met Nicholl at her place, and we walked to Pompon

Danced, even my camera lens got foggy

Then we went to Le Baron. Lots of creepy guys tryna talk to us.

In the morning we went to brunch at Hotel Amour. Nicholl got the eggs benedicte

I got the veggie salade and a cafe au lait
Then I did some work, and met up for korean food

we all ordered bim bim bap
I ordered extra hot sauce but there was a bit of a double language barrier so I wasn't brought it until much later.

Then I ordered a red bean ice cream dessert, it looked like a fish. They didn't have anything else, ran out of all other desserts. I got a korean coffee, which was just a bit sweeter than normal coffee. Not much different.
Oh , metro, I'm going to miss you.

Took the train home.

been feeling oddly dissociated lately, as if i'm unsettling myself, untangling myself from this parisian life that i accepted as my reality. now i feel like i'm just a visitor again, peeling myself off the wall like a sticker leaving a trace of adhesive. i lost track of my progress but now i feel and see it again as my schema is being compared to that which i originally came with. and now i feel like i've adjusted seamlessly and when i go back, i'll notice just how much i've changed because the growth isn't apparent just yet in this context where it occurred over time.

tired. have to go to bed.