babies

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes. Not sure what happened to me in my sleep, perhaps I cried. Something I can't do when I'm awake, maybe I did it when I was asleep.

I woke up from a vivid dream about being stuck in this mansion with a bunch of people, and the only way we could go up and down in the house was to be transported through a small box which could barely fit anyone. We were trapped, essentially, but some moments we were fortunate enough to fit into the box and be transported throughout the house. At one point, my friend had a baby and the baby stopped breathing. Someone else used one of those things you stick down the baby's throat to suck up the gunk to make it breathe once it's born, but it wasn't working. The girl said she'd go somewhere else and grab another tool, but she was taking her time. Meanwhile I was the only one freaking out the baby dying, I didn't want it to, but I felt it would soon. I couldn't fit into the box so I couldn't get out of the house, it was a feeling of claustrophobia and helplessness. I wanted to save this baby.

The only way was to die, and see if I would be reborn outside of the house. I gave a man a bow and arrow, and told him to shoot me. I was uncertain it would work, and that it would really kill me. I closed my eyes, anticipating the pain, more scared than I've ever been in my entire life, and he shot me. The feeling was like i was sent back with all the momentum in the universe, propelled backwards in pain and agony but alas, I arrived back in the house. This time I thought I was really alive, but I would try to die again anyway and see if I could get out, but I didn't know what would happen if I died this time. So I threw myself off the balcony into the ocean and sank down down down, in the shark infested waters, and drowned.

when I woke up, I spoke to Priya briefly about it. The thing about analyzing your own dreams is that, since dreams are obscured symbols delivered to you from your unconscious because you can't handle the truth consciously, there's a barrier between you and what's been obscured. That is to say, it's been obscured for a reason, and your mind doesn't want you to know directly what it means. So I need help deciphering my own. Priya mentioned perhaps the baby was this paris experience, and that it meant so much to me, and I knew it was dying, and I wanted to save it, but I can't, because it has to die.

Then I went to the 16th to IUT to finish filming in the men's bathroom. We laughed so hard we could barely finish the scene with the urinal. We did 2 scenes today, and we will finish up the last few scenes tomorrow at Lindsay's. Afterwards Lindsay and I went to get some food at a bakery, and then we took the wrong train which went around in a circle but we were both like oh well, and just chilled. I finally got home an hour later. I wrote a little jingle to use in the movie. It's Ellen's bday dinner tonight, but it's too cold out and I have too much work and I just want to stay in tonight.