When I was younger, the past felt so tangible that I would live in it. The future was so set and concrete. Go to middle school. Go to high school. Get into college. Go to college. And now, when I think of the future, I only see a hazy fog of my fears, but nothing else, and even my fears are unfounded and flimsy. From past experiences, I've successfully relinquished most from what seemed like a sound basis (which was really just a naive delusion of reality).
Now with this new medication, my past has dissolved. It barely has a hold on me. Immediately, I am rendered a bit more forgetful, but the past in general doesn't have the impact it used to. The constraint it imposed on my quality of life and my mind doesn't exist anymore, or perhaps it's like a blackboard, with words erased but with the dim evidence of them existing in their original compositions.
I'm a wanderer. A flaneur with no destination in sight. Flowing just like water, as I learned in my studies in Shanghai that the key to a successful life is to be like water because water can flow past rocks, flow through crevices, through all obstacles. It is also the most versatile, being able to change form.
I remember back in Shanghai, when we learned about the I-Ching, a form of ancient divination. While we sat in that uncomfortable circle, flipping our impossibly light chinese coins up in the air and writing down various lines and dots and consulting our manuals. Mine said that I need to relinquish some control over to the universe and let it do it's bidding. It said that I tried to control too much, and one part sure is my personal agency but another is up to the universe to align my opportunities.
I'm afraid that I've lost the sensitivity to the universe that I used to have, now that my senses are dulled, but I do feel moreso like I'm flowing more fluidly. I guess both balance each other out?
Now the message has really sunk in. I have no idea where I'm going, just that I'm going, and hoping that a chemin will present itself. I'm scared, but I'm excited, because this will be the most defining and most memorable time of my life. Just like the beginning of a relationship, when there's the feeling of so much potential ahead for happiness, and so much for destruction. Who knows what will happen.
This had to be this way. The thing about change is that while living it, it's too gradual to notice, and of course, projecting the past onto the present and overlaying the two to compare isn't accurate, as emotions are amplified in past memories depending on the current circumstance. But growth is inevitable even in the same place, so I wonder if going back will show me just how much I've changed.
Life used to be more vivid. But I'm afraid of that right now. It was too real for me to handle at times, or at least, it got to be. But I will admit that I miss aspects of it, just how much I felt and the depth of my sensitivity to others and my ability to delve so deeply into analysis. Now, nothing phases me, sure that's a good thing, but is this real life? Or is this just a phase to elevate me so I can focus on growing past certain issues that I wasn't able to work through without having the growth first that I've experienced here? Maybe I need to be able to fly a bit before I can come back and appreciate how to walk again. I'll have better balance, and a better handle on maneuvering my body, then.
No comments:
Post a Comment