If there's one thing this juice cleanse taught me it was to simplify which seems to be the theme of the past year.

The juice cleanse works because you're ingesting easily digestible juices, so your body, instead of focusing energy on digesting, focuses on healing which it's put off since digesting is a priority. Past hurts, emotional and physical, start aching again but they're healing.

I feel like my whole year was cutting out everything complicated. All that clutter had to leave, and I really reduced my existence to a few fundamentals. Once that happened, my energies were focused on my personal priorities, and of course, healing.

Yes I do in part feel guilty for letting certain people drift away, because I didn't have the energy to sustain relationships, but now is the time I've been reaching out again.

I found old videos and messages I had recorded from past years. I think I used to be much more forward and friendly and careless. Of course I've become this way out of necessity, careful and contained, but at the same time it's something I'm working on switching on and off. I want to be okay being vulnerable again. There was something charming and relatable to being vulnerable, don't you think?

i've gone all around the world to realize it's not location, it's me.

i always want to restart, thinking a new place, new friends, will change me. but it's me i have to change. it's never too late right?

i think it takes finding something worth changing for to really make me want to change. i have.

Grey Gardens

nostalgia

I was hit with a wave of nostalgia for Paris today. As much as school shackled me, I found a way within the confines to be free. Today marks the end of that period of my life. Hope dies in the past, but a new kind of hope lies in the future. The past 4 years were dedicated to my self discovery, and I really did graduate with a degree in learning about life and myself and the things I want and the person I am, and am going to become. The next few years will be a period of professional growth- I know I too will grow, but it will be less of a prominent focus.

Unfortunately today, I was way too tired from working 11 hours since 6am at the New Balance event to even go to class. I collapsed on my bed unable to move having run around all day. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but being there for that long especially during this hell week of mine with all my finals and stressors attacking me, it was depleting. I wanted to go, I was going to force myself to go, but having learned a bit about balance over the past few years, I learned that the worst thing is to do more than my body and mind can handle. If I was already feeling like shit, like the world was against me, there's no point in going to class for another 4 hours. In an alternate universe I would have gone.

I feel.. strange.

Something's missing, and I don't know what.

How funny the contrast between last week tuesday, exactly a week ago, and today. Last week seemed so hopeful, so happy, so liberating. Today feels confined, tense, frigid. I'm so stressed and I'm not sure what's contributing to the stress, what's causing the stress. I wish the mind could be run through a strainer, sorting out the particles causing the issues and comparing it to the compounds from last week. What's changed? What's wrong? Who am I? Where am I about to go? The world ahead seems so... stagnant. But, here we go. and I was always excited for the world ahead since years and years ago, now that it's starting to happen, I'm reluctant to step forward.

Reposted

"Love - a kind of amnesia that makes women forget there are still 1.2 billion men left in the world"

Wild Reeds

Cracks

Last night I watched "Cracks". I'd wanted to see it since I saw the trailer in mid February. I found it on Youtube, conveniently, as I tried to see it in theaters but it had a terribly short run of about 2 weeks at the IFC. Not great, but it was visually enticing and Eva Green is so goddamn beautiful it's hard to keep your eyes off of her. My internet cut out around mid-movie, but I finished it on my iphone.

Today I finished up the competitive markets powerpoint for Jake, and we had 2 meetings to discuss it. I then worked on the West Hollywood Evian event, getting parking permits and an ipad. I was so beat at the end of the day- I should have been in bed, as yesterday I couldn't even leave the house but I knew that today was an important day work wise since the presentation is going to be given tomorrow. I also wrote 5 articles for Ology. I just felt really motivated to post today, not that there was anything particularly good to post about today, I just felt like writing a lot.

I picked up some fruit from Whole Foods and some sparkling water (of course- lately I've become incredibly dependent on sparkling water- it's become a daily necessity) and headed home. I suddenly got a burst of energy to start cleaning my bathroom. My room had become a cluttered mess, I haven't cleaned it since the break up so it's become some sort of messy hell hole and it made me sick but I couldn't muster up the strength to clean it- just no motivation. Today somehow, I grabbed all the cleaning supplies and swiffered, disinfected, scrubbed every surface in my bathroom, re-organized all of my toiletries. That took about an hour. Then I finished up the bedroom which took about 2 hours and organized my laundry and my shoes and my clothes. Tomorrow my goal is to take out all the trash (I have enough trash to take me about 4-5 runs up and down to the trash disposal to get rid of) and I'm going through all of my clothes and steaming them. Knowing myself- though I want to be the girl who can get up early and get my outfit together and look impeccably nice- I just can't. Instead, I'm the girl who rolls out of bed 10 minutes after work has already started, scrambles for 5 minutes and walks out the door. Thus, steaming everything all together will eliminate a lot of extra minutes spent trying to work out the wrinkles of my clothes before I walk out the door.

Even though physically I'm still run down, I've begun feeling a lot better mentally. My physical surroundings always reflect my inner self, so this is a good step forward. I've also realized that my tolerance for laziness and messes has gradually decreased over the years- I used to let my messes get a lot crazier before bouncing back and needing to clean everything- now my polarity has become a lot more controlled. That's just it, I'm learning to have more control, and it's happened naturally.

We all, girls especially, struggle so much for control, when it's a natural process. All those tears I've shed over the years over a control issue (which is very much generalized, as just about everything comes down to a control issue if you dissect it enough) were wasted. I trust that I'll be able to control myself one day the way that I want to. I wonder if self control is very much linked with happiness, that the struggle for happiness is often mistaken for the struggle for happiness when it's really a struggle for self control. When we're in control, we're naturally happy, or we can at least control ourselves enough to BE happy, no?

Finishing up "Wild Reeds", and then tomorrow I'm set on sending out my laundry, sending out a bunch of packages, going to see Mary, doing my readings, and going to film class.

more more

from my iphone

Nassim

Annabel

glitter cake pops.. at the end of the day I was told that my face was covered in glitter. I replied, great, now I look fat.

Wild Reeds:

My weekend consisted of a solid weekend of plans ALL OF WHICH I HAD TO CANCEL

INSTEAD- i slept continuously for 3-4 hour stretches, then would wake up for an hour, then go back to sleep. I slept most of the weekend. I wouldn't hesitate to say I slept about 40 hours this weekend starting from Friday night until Sunday, 8pm.

So sleepy. So sick. So sad.

At least this solves my chronic insomnia, right?

April 9

Wednesday I saw 'Certified Copy' with Joe, and went out to drinks after.

The movie was slow heavily dialogue based, but pretty interesting. Juliette Binoche, who can ever dislike a movie with Juliette Binoche?

I had a coughing fit in the theater, something about enclosed rooms when I'm a bit nervous makes me unable to stop coughing. It happened at the hypnotherapy appointment, and also during a meeting with one of my bosses yesterday..

Anyway, I made up a half day of work on Thursday due to my missing Wednesday. I took part in a brainstorm for Absolut Vodka Orient Apple activation. I ran off to class at 1, interpersonal relationships, we discussed lying and gender differences in infidelity again.

Then I had hypnotherapy, which was bizarre. I thought it was going to be more hyno than therapy, but it was the opposite. Though, I was taught to visualize drawing a circle on a chalkboard, writing 1, deep sleep, and erasing the one, to write 2, and to continue on until I fall asleep. I was also taught to visualize both hands on my lap at the same time to clear my mind, and to hold my hands together until they became warm. I was told, many times, to take up knitting. I had a coughing fit too and she had to grab me some water.

I then went out to dinner with Brittan Annabel Susan and Nassim- first we tried to go to Barrio Chino but it was a 2 hour wait, so we went to Grotto which was amaaaazing. I had an endive salad with fresh figs, truffle vinaigrette, gorgonzola. Nassim had risotto, Annabel had chestnut ravioli, and Brittan had pumpkin ravioli. I had 2 hot spiced apple toddies. My sore throat got worse. We came home and watched the hawk cam that John Sexton set up outside of bobst, and ate all of Nassim's chocolate covered pomegranate seeds while all 3 of us had our computers out and tea in the living room. It looked so stupid. Then I wasn't feeling well so I went to bed.

I slept for the first time, a full night, restful sleep. I went to work and had a busy day but I was so productive- i finished up a project for Ashley, a project for Maiah for the New Balance event, then worked on a proposal that was needed immediately for big airlines and their sponsorships, and sourced a mini cooper for Tina.

Then I came home and cancelled plans with Katie and Priya (luckily they didn't go either!) and couldn't go to dinner with Nassim and Annabel because I was soooooooo tired. So I watched "Wild Tigers I Have Known", did a bit more research for ology, and someone unexpected imed me on FB who I haven't talked to since the beginning of Paris and we talked for a little while.

Today I have brunch plans at 12:30, a few errands to run, including going to the post office and depositing checks, then I need to get to Yoga and then dinner plans with Katie & maybe the Jane after, since Nicholl's boyfriend is in town and djing there. Ooof. I think I'm going back to sleep for an hour though.

tenterhooks: in a state of uneasy suspense or painful anxiety.

wild tigers i have known

the man directing the taxi's into the gas station yelled at me

"miss... are you alright?"

we had just promised earlier today in intimate relationships class to go 24 hours without lying to anyone as an experiment. so i couldn't reply back "i'm fine"

i stayed silent and kept walking.

sick

So so sick. Sore throat. Last night I could barely sleep, all of my organs were hurting.

I woke up this morning feverish- couldn't go to physical therapy. Finished my midterm and had some tea. Went to see Mary, and today we talked about motivation and ridding myself of excessive unproductive worry.

Afterwards I grabbed some food and went to Bobst and met Priya who saved me a seat on the 8th floor. I felt like I was going to throw up. I finished some work, then we went to class and I could only sit through half the class because I started shaking and shivering and my head was killing me.

I wanted to take a cab home because I couldn't even walk.. but I ended up having to trek home and grabbed a big jasmine tea and a sandwich from Think on Bowery. Then I posted 3 articles for Ology. I wanted to clean my room but ended up talking to Priya for most of the night. I should probably go to bed soon...

weekend

Saturday night, after leaving the party, I came home and ordered $30 of delivery which I didn't even eat. I woke up next to a giant plate of ratatouille. So random.

I went out to brunch with Michael at French Roast. I had a vegetarian croque which was delicious! melted gruyere cheese on top. We took a nice long walk. Then I went home and Annabel and I hung out for a while, and then I went upstairs passed out until 9 and then hung out with Nassim until 12ish after her return from UPenn.

Work today. And then I want to nap and work on this take home midterm that was supposed to be due at 5 but my teacher said I can take a few extra hours. And I also need to clean the bomb that is my room- it's become so cluttered, reflecting the condition of my mind.

From last night- taken by Claudia