EYES WIDE SHUT

"Do you remember last summer at Cape Cod? Do you remember one night in the dining room, there was this young naval officer and he was sitting near our table with two other officers? The waiter brought him a message during dinner, at which point he left, nothing rings a bell? Well, I first saw him that morning in the lobby. He was checking into the hotel and he was following the bellboy with his luggage to the elevator. He glanced at me as he walked past, just a glance, nothing more. And I could hardly move. That afternoon Helena went to the movie with her friend and you and I made love and we made plans about our future and we talked about Helena and yet at no time was he ever out of my mind. And I thought that if he wanted me, even if it was only for one night, I was ready to give up everything. You, Helena, my whole fucking future, everything. And yet it was weird because at the same time, you were dearer to me than ever, and at that moment my love for you was both tender and sad. I barely slept that night. I woke up the next morning in a panic. I don’t know if I was afraid that he had left or that he might still be there. But by dinner I realized he was gone. And I was relieved."- Alice Hartford

one of the best monologues I have ever encountered.

i knew he looked familiar!

amaaaaaazing french dinner tonight in brooklyn. the waiter spoke french to us the minute we walked in, we carried out the entire dinner in french, having a long 20 min convo with him afterwards about our time in france. it made us feel like we were in paris. sigh. i started feeling shitty so i didn't go to katie's party afterwards and went home instead. he didn't even charge me for my crepe. trudging home was miserable. wet feet. worth it.

just finished persona. 10/10. watching the virgin springs now.

i just made a list of people i need to catch up with. i feel bad that i keep cancelling on people, but right now i need a lot of alone time, just feeling like i need space. i feel like there aren't enough hours in a day to catch up with everyone who wants to see me and sleep, and spend time alone. when i have to choose, my need to be alone overrides my need to be with others.

ordered delivery. it came at 12:30, it took an hour and a half for them to deliver it. by the time it came i wasn't even hungry. it's snowing so hard out, the skylight is leaking snow and hail into my room. when it's hailing hard, it sounds like someone's crinkling plastic bags voraciously.

GOT THE RESEARCH POSITION TOO!!!!!!

social neuro-science eeg brain scanning?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!? it's supposed to be some new hip method that no one's done before.

yay just got hired at the place i interviewed at today! she called me several hours later but i missed the call, and got nervous, because she told me she would let me know on monday. called her back and she asked if i accepted the position, and i said "what?" i didn't understand. and she said "do you accept?" she said that i didn't have to right away. i said YES! YES! haha! i was so nervous last night and today because i wanted this job really badly!!!! and when i saw the office space i knew that i wanted to be there. yes yes yes!!!

1st day of school

yesterday i went to yoga the met priya for dinner and coffee at a cute diner on 4th street. then we went to our cinema of attractions class. professor is so so tisch, with his skinny jeans and loafers, his ironically contrasting skinny button down and red striped tie and big big glasses. we watched scott pilgrim, which i hated the first time around, so the 2nd time was even worse. but i made a point afterwards saying that the film was a self aware film and its usage of out dated technology like big clunky phones, payphones, AOL, evokes irony because it's such a modern film, which is the essence of the movie, scott pilgrim himself is all irony because he's this dorky womanizer who is able to defeat all these super villains. the professor said "wow, good point". he didn't say that to anyone else, so i felt pretty good. he also showed us one of the first films ever made, by a french director of the lumieres movement. the shots were all still, because back then the cameras were way too heavy to move which reminded me of Somewhere which I saw a few days ago. The shots were all static, as Nick remarked, which I thought was a lazy, but artistic device for voyeurism and perhaps to show how mundane and boring the guy's life was. It's funny how it used to be because there wasn't a choice, and all frames had to be still, but now, it's an artistic choice.

then i came home and sent out a bunch of emails and almost ordered delivery at 2am but decided to take a xanax instead and conk out. i recorded a song because i have my guitar back. today i woke up pretty late and went to an interview which i'm really hoping i get. the lady said that she was very impressed by me, but the fact that the interview was only 10 mins scares me a bit. she said she has a few more interviews but will let me know by monday if i get the job.

today i was out of the house for 5 minutes and 2 guys stopped in the snow to watch me walk by. one told me that i looked like a model, and the next one told me i had very pretty legs. i just kept walking. you think that french men are forward... welcome back to new york.

i ran all the way over in the snow to print my resume and cover letter and ran all the way back to the office which is actually 2 mins from my house, but she ended up having a copy already so i did all that for nothing. i looked awful from the snow, my hair was all frizzy and wet. oh well. at least she thanked me for being prepared.

oh cool. someone's interested in hiring me as a free lance writer! sweet.

guess i'm not getting any rest this semester.

dramatique

pictures from my only disposable in paris

dinner

iris'

little kitty
brunch

crab cake benedict

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” -- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

monsoon

momma

keblet & alex

big goblet of green dragon


best mimosas i've ever had

todaytoday

Dad picked me up to go to UCLA for Yau's lecture about his book, and about Calabi-Yau manifolds. The stadium filled up to about 150 people, it got pretty packed and was damn cold inside. Dad fell asleep and started to snore. I started laughing. Afterwards we went to the reception and I talked to my dad for a long time, probably the first time we've really really talked to one another. Then Yau came and talked to us for a while, in between all of his book signings. Dad walked me out to find my mom and my mom and I went to pick up my littles from tennis.

We came home and found out that my dad didn't go out with Yau for dinner because he didn't feel like it. So we all went out to Monsoon, a fusion asian place on the 3rd street promenade for dinner. I had 2 green dragon cocktails, which was this light green concoction with vodka, pineapple juice, and melon juice. sooooo tastey!!

Tuna salad

I talked to my dad today about potential business plans in China, and about his interest in getting my papers published and a book published for me in China. He told me that developing ideas is the hardest part, but my whole life, i've had good ideas, i've just lacked execution. He said that's the easy part, the originality is the hard part. Then again, I feel that an american thing is that every one is expected to be original whereas creativity in China is harder to find, since the culture is more geared towards studying what other people have written. for example, there's no such thing as plagarism in china. actually, it's respected when you incorporate others' words into your own work, because it means you've digested and really tried to understand it. it's not like america. that's one big difference i found when i was studying in shanghai.

anyway, as much as i like that i've made LA into a haven (my mom noted that when i was a bit younger, or, just a year+ ago, every time i came back to LA she would barely see me because I'd be out the door in a second going out and hanging out with friends) it does get a little bit boring being stagnantly in my mind. I made it this way, blocked out all people here that i've known since highschool so i can have it as a place to relax, to think, to regroup and figure out my next step. to watch movies, to read books, the things i barely have time for in NY when my life is consumed with social responsibilities. it feels good to have made a choice and see it to fruition, but it also becomes limiting. but i have to start only seeing the good. only see the good.

Yau says he knows Zhang YiMou and Ang Lee and want to introduce me to them the next time I'm in China. I'm sending my dad the 15 pg paper I wrote on Globalization, the problematic of "Authentic culture" and whether it exists, using Zhang Yi Mou as my primary example that I wrote in Shanghai in sociology class. And also my Wong Kar Wai color analysis paper that was 20 pages long. Dad wants to get someone to translate it and publish it in the newspapers, since they're always hounding him to write new articles. I'm getting more excited about my book idea, after talking to him about it because i think it'll be big in China (and the US if I can follow through with getting it published) but my anxieties are over the personal aspects that are necessary to the book that i'm a bit afraid of revealing because not only could they be controversial, but also i'd feel so exposed and vulnerable.

california

Sunny sunny LA. so bright i can't see at all. it's about 80 degrees here today.

Yesterday I ran a bunch of errands, picked up my key for my new apartment. Met Cloe, the girl I'm subletting from at her house in Beverly Hills. She was so so nice.

Went shopping. Got my eyebrows done. Some girl at Bare Escentuals freaked out about the ring that Nick gave me before I left for France because her boyfriend is in the diamond business and can't obtain a simple band and that's what she's always wanted, so she asked me to email her the name of the company.

bought a bunch of vitamins and some truffles with a ton of omega 3's in them.

did all my laundry

Came home and got catfish on the iPad

and read a bit more of the shape of inner space, in preparation for Yau's seminar today. Dad is coming to pick me up at 2:15 for it. I like the ipad, it's easier to concentrate on it.

catfish was good. the trailer is definitely misleading.

finished last tango in paris 2 days ago. 5/5. during the first and last scenes she walked across the inception bridge, which is exactly where i spent my last day in paris. her apartment is situated in passy, where my school was situated. it was symbolic, her last tango in paris, and representative of mine, as well.

miss my girls

paris dreamin'. here comes nyc......!

no!

ugh

i want to go back to paris. or shanghai. anywhere but real life. no no nono nononono.

Spring Fever (2009)

Spring Fever (2009) Luo Ye: "Flowers know which season they have to bloom"

Though some reviews (yes, I always read reviews first before starting a movie) stated the movie was confusing to follow, I found the pace nice, and the DIY shaky camera worked for me. Love isn't perfect, it's messy, real, and this portrayed it in the perfect light, literally, as the lighting was one of the biggest complaints of several reviewers who stated that it was too dark in most shots. The destruction of love, the endless patterns we all get ourselves into- these themes struck me. Some people are constantly consumed in the same relationship patterns that all end in the same way, until we become aware of that fact and do something to change it. And then we 'bloom' so to speak.

I'd been thinking about this lately, as I brushed through my old twitter account that I never updated and realized it was a repetitive cycle of relationships that I would only have the courage to start before a temporal end- that is, the last few years I've travelled so much, and only before leaving would I feel safe enough in my heart, enough to open it up, knowing that the temporal end wouldn't give me a chance to really get hurt. I had seen my cycles, and realized this is what I do. Little circles, big circles, but always circles. I'm mature enough now to accept partial responsibility for the way my relationships in the past went and ended, and now with that awareness, and with my new maturity, I'm changing my circles and creating new, healthier patterns.

This movie is about a guy, well, we don't really know who the central character is until the very end of the film, but it's about a gay relationship. We then find out that there's someone hired to watch over this gay couple, and then we find out it's the wife of one of the men who hired a private detective. Soon, drama ensues, but the detective involves himself as well in a gay relationship with one of the gay men but he has a girlfriend himself.

This movie is similar to the movie I watched earlier today because it's about exploring ones sexuality, and not having it be so definable. It ended on a note of ambiguity as well, which I love, because neatness scares me. Neat anything scares me. That's why my room and my mind are such messes. Life is a mess.

My mom just opened up a bottle of wine for me, her, and my dad. My little brothers have their 2 friends over, and they just said "mom do you wanna watch sex and the city with us". I ditched out, thinking that would be a very uncomfortable situation. But I do like sex and the city...

last night

Watched part of a disturbing documentary about real dolls as suggested by Chris. Then I did a little research and found that Itunes sold other documentaries made by BBC. I downloaded one called "Too Ugly to Love" about people with body dysmorphic disorder. One girl had 7 nose jobs, the last one which would leave her nose deformed permanently. Surgeons refused to touch her nose, and one finally agreed to do it but she would have to get injections every year with a filler in order to keep the tip up.. Her family went 67,000 pounds in debt allowing her to do the surgeries, believing that when she achieved the perfect nose she'd get over her disorder which left her a recluse for 2 years.

BDD however isn't something external, it's something completely internal. It's got the highest suicide risks out of any branch of anxiety disorders, 1 out of 4 people with BDD kill themselves. It's treatable, but most people fail to seek help because they're afraid they're going to be judged as being overly vain or narcissistic, when it's the opposite, a belief that your appearance is so horrifically ugly that you can't function in society.

Another girl was BEAUTIFUL but she believed she looked like a man and never let her boyfriend see her without makeup. She underwent therapy and started to wear less makeup, and would have hysterical fits when she had to take off her mascara or let people see her with less foundation on. But she was... a stunning stunning girl with a very charming personality.

Received a cute parcel from France with a little bottle of wine and assorted chocolates. It made my day.

My dad came home today from China.

18-21

LA-NY-LA-NY-LA-NY-LA-NY-LA-NY-TIANJIN-SHANGHAI-BEIJING-HANGZHOU-LA-NY-LA-NY-LA-SHANGHAI-BEIJING-GUILIN-YANGSHUO-HONGKONG-SHANGHAI-ZHANGJIAJIE-SHANGHAI-KOREA-TIANJIN-LA-NY-NH-MA-NY-PA-NY-LA-PARIS-PROVINS-PARIS-FLORENCE-PIZA-PARIS-STRASBOURG-PARIS-NY-MA-LA----->NY

----> (??)

will this birdie settle soon?

i hope so, i'm getting tired.

esp. of packing.

xxy

xxy by argentinian director Luca Puenzo: one of the best films i've seen this year. i've been closed minded for several months now, only browsing in the french language category when choosing movies to watch, but i'm so happy i watched this spanish film. it's about a hermaphrodite and tumultuous relationship with a son of a surgeon who comes to look at her and see what he can do for her surgically. it touched me, not many films can these days. something new, reminded me of ma vie en rose, which is the french film about the transsexual 10 year old boy i saw when i was in middle school. not to be confused with la vie en rose about edith piaf. ma vie en rose is a play on the french phrase, life in pink, which essentially means a perfect rosy life. it's ironic in a way but also sentimentally sweet because for this little boy, his life is sugary sweet when he enters into his fantasies about being a girl to be "woken up" abruptly by the harsh truth of societal imposed gender roles which have infiltrated the schemas of all of his family members.

i'd give this 5 out of 5 stars. it's a very poetic way of portraying identity turmoil, and the polarity of gender. sometimes, there's no choice.

Long Beach Aquarium

Today Momma took us to the Aquarium

Kevin and Alex had just watched Forrest Gump in their history class, so they were psyched on going to Bubba Gumps for lunch, which conveniently was right across the street.

Coconut shrimp for Alex
Veggies and Salmon for Kevin

So slimy! They're covered with mucous

They took shark eggs and cut them strategically and inserted a piece of plastic over the hole so you could see inside as the sharks matured

sea lions

We each bought a little cup of nectar to take into the bird cage

This bird wouldn't shut up, and kept screaming into Kevin's ear. It wasn't even trying to eat, just trying to scream directly into his ear.

Makin' out
Huge sting ray, felt all prickly


And then my camera died.