Every time I'm home I feel such an internal struggle.
I realize more and more that my parents and I always failed to connect.
That's why for most of my life I only wanted to be around those I couldn't connect to, because it felt familiar.
The ones I did connect to I couldn't handle. I didn't understand the feeling of truly relating to someone.
My values are so different from those of my parents and my culture. Yet they're also not entirely in sync with Western values because I am Chinese. I guess I'm just me.
Only recently, this year, have I become comfortable enough with myself to accept true connections.
Now I'm learning the subtle differences between all connections
Emotional
Psychic
Intellectual
Physical
I often wonder why most movies have a narrator that feels she doesn't fit in. The ones that are about the super popular girl aren't as relatable.
The isolation I felt all my life can be channeled into something great.
Even if my subject matter isn't relatable
My struggles and my message are universal.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Checking In- A post from 2014
This has been the year during which I wasn't afraid to take risks and change the way I was living.
Then, miraculously, everything fell into place.
What was me before, a scared, anxious and unconsciously self destructive little girl became an independent, self-assured and free person.
Once my mind and heart sought out the same path, everything else from environment, friends, finances to even my physical body refined itself. I'm not saying I don't struggle day to day- some of my friends have been there for me during moments when I was having a bit of a mental breakdown and felt hopeless, but those moments have been few and far between.
I live my life untraditionally because there's nothing stopping me anymore. It all flows now- no longer do the jagged edges of time passing stab me.
I've always been a firm believer that when things are meant to be, they feel effortless. I'm not against working hard, as I've always worked hard for the things I want, but it's an affinity- an ease that's felt when both you, and whatever else whether it be a person or an opportunity both have doors open for one another. In the last 4 years I've been around too many people who believed the best way to get by was to keep knocking and trying to force yourself into a closed door. Some of them eventually get in and get what they want. But what I really want is for what I want to want me too, not acquiesce to my disrespect.
"You're too nice," I've heard all my life. Even though in the past few years I've been around such mean and aggressive people, I still make an effort to maintain my softness and kindness. I believe everyone deserves to be treated kindly because even the shittiest person has a reason for why they became that way. I don't abide by superficial heuristics to judge people- oh he's this and that, so then he's probably this way. I don't write people off. I want to know what's really at play even though within a few seconds of meeting someone I'll already know what they're all about. The rest is confirmation, and understanding, and being generous with my time, my ears and my heart. I care. Until you start acting like an asshole to me, and then my attention on you is gone. Always a giver, never a taker. Until you take too much from me and give me nothing back and I feel absolutely drained.
Spending the last day and a half re-reading old journals, I see who I've always been. A thinker, a writer- a girl who had an interesting insight into the world and into herself that was wise beyond her years. What's changed is my determination and strength. Feeling lost before, I didn't allow myself to have the things I wanted, or be proud of who I was. Now, there's a ferocity that has developed. A thankfulness in being me and a deep thirst to show the world what I'm capable of. Some of the people I've admired came back to me this year to tell me they respect me so much. Hearing the astrologist tell me that I'm much more powerful than I know or allow myself to believe. I know I'll get there, it's just me stopping me because I'm my toughest critic. There's also an emotional blockage that's still residual from my past. My life always felt very hard. I was shone a lot of cruelty and felt starved in some senses from a young age. I'm much more than what you believe me to be, and even when you know me you'll keep on finding out more. The ones that have truly understood me tell me I'm like an onion, with layer after layer and even more, when peeled back. I don't think there's a single person in this world who knows everything about me and I'm fearful that there will be that person, because then they'll be too close to me.
I'm going back to school in the fall for a passion. I've finally found a place of work where everyone is compassionate and "gets me" and doesn't judge me. What I've treated as my bad habits and vices in the past have now all become good qualities. The constant evolution and actualization will never stop- I love identifying what I need to work on and continuing the process. Right now, I'm working with a life coach to focus my goals, intentions, work on developing productive habits like time organization and planning so I can unfold the future I want for myself.
There will always be an openness though- for chaos, for spontaneity, for more self discovery. For that person I never knew existed who pops in and teaches me something new about the world and about myself. This is a journey and every single year is both the biggest battle, and the biggest pleasure.
I really never knew I'd get myself here. But I always had it in my mind: 24 was going to be that age it all fell into place.
I quit my job. Broke up with the guy who was utterly wrong for me. Changed my lifestyle and developed self respect. That last part is the most important.
Then, miraculously, everything fell into place.
What was me before, a scared, anxious and unconsciously self destructive little girl became an independent, self-assured and free person.
Once my mind and heart sought out the same path, everything else from environment, friends, finances to even my physical body refined itself. I'm not saying I don't struggle day to day- some of my friends have been there for me during moments when I was having a bit of a mental breakdown and felt hopeless, but those moments have been few and far between.
I live my life untraditionally because there's nothing stopping me anymore. It all flows now- no longer do the jagged edges of time passing stab me.
I've always been a firm believer that when things are meant to be, they feel effortless. I'm not against working hard, as I've always worked hard for the things I want, but it's an affinity- an ease that's felt when both you, and whatever else whether it be a person or an opportunity both have doors open for one another. In the last 4 years I've been around too many people who believed the best way to get by was to keep knocking and trying to force yourself into a closed door. Some of them eventually get in and get what they want. But what I really want is for what I want to want me too, not acquiesce to my disrespect.
"You're too nice," I've heard all my life. Even though in the past few years I've been around such mean and aggressive people, I still make an effort to maintain my softness and kindness. I believe everyone deserves to be treated kindly because even the shittiest person has a reason for why they became that way. I don't abide by superficial heuristics to judge people- oh he's this and that, so then he's probably this way. I don't write people off. I want to know what's really at play even though within a few seconds of meeting someone I'll already know what they're all about. The rest is confirmation, and understanding, and being generous with my time, my ears and my heart. I care. Until you start acting like an asshole to me, and then my attention on you is gone. Always a giver, never a taker. Until you take too much from me and give me nothing back and I feel absolutely drained.
Spending the last day and a half re-reading old journals, I see who I've always been. A thinker, a writer- a girl who had an interesting insight into the world and into herself that was wise beyond her years. What's changed is my determination and strength. Feeling lost before, I didn't allow myself to have the things I wanted, or be proud of who I was. Now, there's a ferocity that has developed. A thankfulness in being me and a deep thirst to show the world what I'm capable of. Some of the people I've admired came back to me this year to tell me they respect me so much. Hearing the astrologist tell me that I'm much more powerful than I know or allow myself to believe. I know I'll get there, it's just me stopping me because I'm my toughest critic. There's also an emotional blockage that's still residual from my past. My life always felt very hard. I was shone a lot of cruelty and felt starved in some senses from a young age. I'm much more than what you believe me to be, and even when you know me you'll keep on finding out more. The ones that have truly understood me tell me I'm like an onion, with layer after layer and even more, when peeled back. I don't think there's a single person in this world who knows everything about me and I'm fearful that there will be that person, because then they'll be too close to me.
I'm going back to school in the fall for a passion. I've finally found a place of work where everyone is compassionate and "gets me" and doesn't judge me. What I've treated as my bad habits and vices in the past have now all become good qualities. The constant evolution and actualization will never stop- I love identifying what I need to work on and continuing the process. Right now, I'm working with a life coach to focus my goals, intentions, work on developing productive habits like time organization and planning so I can unfold the future I want for myself.
There will always be an openness though- for chaos, for spontaneity, for more self discovery. For that person I never knew existed who pops in and teaches me something new about the world and about myself. This is a journey and every single year is both the biggest battle, and the biggest pleasure.
I really never knew I'd get myself here. But I always had it in my mind: 24 was going to be that age it all fell into place.
I quit my job. Broke up with the guy who was utterly wrong for me. Changed my lifestyle and developed self respect. That last part is the most important.
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