fail

I thought about success. About how scared I am for it, because I feel like I have so much to lose.

I asked myself, what do I have to lose?- nothing. I've already been to a mental state in which I've had absolutely nothing- no hope, emptiness, and I'm past it now.

Then I asked myself, will I let myself fail?
-absolutely not. Time and time again, I prove that I will NEVER let myself fail. It's just not possible, no matter how many set backs I will always lift myself up.

So what is there to be afraid of?
-nothing.

I've been doing a lot of self analysis lately, I know that I'm very ambitious, but I can get lazy when I'm not stimulated enough. Often times, the idea is better than the execution, for me. I'm trying to learn to curb that, and instead of spontaneous bursts of productivity, i'm trying to level it out so I'm overall more stable.

oh my god this is my dream job. it's like everything i have ever done in my life has led up to a job at this place. oh no!!!!!!! oh no!!!!!!!!! please call meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

dear god, the company is also an event production company and they're in charge of producing events for rodarte... the things i would do to be a part of rodarte event production................... crossing my fingers..........

Someone left me a note.. This wasn't even my coffee cup.. Haha, cute

A big stride

Last night I wanted to write my cover letter, but I ended up not feeling like it. Right before I fell asleep however, I thought of the idea to call Humberto Leon, Opening Ceremony's owner, because we were always on friendly terms. I thought, if he could give me a good word, I'm so much closer to landing the job, since OC is one of their biggest clients.

Today I was a bit nervous, didn't know what to say and when I'd call. Connie Alessia and Sam all thought it was a good idea to go ahead and call him to ask. Since I was nervous about that, I decided to sublimate my nervousness into my current job at MKG and decided to go ahead and ask one of my bosses whether or not they would consider hiring me. This is what she said:

That's a great question
so there isn't really a set plan for what happens with interns
for the most part, they don't get hired for FT b/c of capacity issues
but it happens for the interns that are a) kick ass
and b) there is an opening
given that we are growing so incredibly fast and much
i think you have a great chance of at least working freelance in a PA type role
in my opinion, you are a kick ass intern, everyone knows that and talks about how great you are
SO, i would maybe try and sit down with Lauren and chat with her about your thoughts
that you are graduating soon, you want to stay at MKG, and would really like to be considered for any open roles
full time OR freelance

So I sent an email over to the head of production and I'm waiting to hear back. Meanwhile, I had a spurt of adrenaline and wrote out a cover letter and had Ben and Alessia read it for me. When I got home, I decided to call Humberto, and he was like "of course I'll be your reference and put in a good word for you! And let's hang out!" I was relieved.

Here's hoping I'll get a call to interview... I'm pretty sure the job posting was distributed pretty widely so we'll see who I'm up against...

I've come up with a plan, that ideally I would get both offers and be able to adjust the income, but even if I end up with just one, I'm fine with it. I don't think that it's possible to not end up with anything, but let's hope I don't have to eat my words... Hopefully this all happens soon with sort of conclusion so if I can either stop looking, or start looking elsewhere.

PS a source says that freelance producers make 7000 a month on average at my company... wow

the strangest thing is happening, i feel that my french has gotten a lot better, at least my comprehension. i wonder if being in an all english setting has highlighted my sensitivity to french and in contrast it feels that i'm better than i thought i was in an all french surrounding.

watching:

Things

Hair dye cat?

Bunny cat?

They've released a new bra which prevents wrinkles on your neck and your cleavage. I feel like this would just create a really big cleavage instead of preventing anything, and reminds me of crotchless underwear except for your top region. There's also a cream they sell to rub under this.

Hyper color nail polish, a big fan. The part on your nail bed is warmer than the part of your nail that doesn't touch your nailbed, which creates this french manicure effect.
I just bought this. So excited!
I bought these tooooo
And this, even though Nicholl says that she'd be scared of wearing these because of the legs, but I think it might work on me... oooOoooOOh so excited.

Pictures

pretty preepee and rebecca black

beer pong at work

told the manicurist in chinese to do this

Nicholl came over last night, and she and Nassim and I hung out for a while. Then I stayed in with Nassim, painted her nails, and we watched the office.

Today I woke up and wanted to go out to brunch. A second later I got a text from Sam and Tyler asking me if I wanted brunch, and then a second later a call from Ray for brunch as well. I picked a place called Flea Market in the east village which was AAMMMAAAZING. The host kept on touching me held my hands at one point and patted me on the way out. That was weird.

Ray walked me home and took me to Kim's video on the way because I wanted to buy the Room and watch it on his giant movie screen. Some time this week we're gonna have a private screening to make up for the one i missed on Friday.

Priya told me that love in a biological sense is identical to a drug. Your tolerance builds up and that's why feelings feel less intense, consuming, and more controlled over the course of your life. It's like doing drugs for a long time so much that it affects you less, and you're much more able to figure out the dose you need to feel the way you want to feel. I always associated love with feeling out of control, that's why I fight it, but I have noticed it's gotten easier to control as I've gotten older.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not, probably more functioning, and definitely less intimidating, but is it better to feel, or not to feel? that's the debate i constantly have in my head. intense feelings or muted feelings?

this morning i went to Connie's apartment and met her boyfriend Julian, and we went out to brunch. Then I went home and slept, and now I'm deciding if I should go out tonight. I kind of feel like just staying in and ordering food and watching a movie.

Smack my Bitch up!

"Smack My Bitch Up" (2007) Directed by Jonas Akerlund utilizes the first person perspective as the main attraction. This film technique isn't a new attraction, as other films such as "Enter the Void" and "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" also use this technique as an attraction. The reason why this technique is effective is because we are used to films as an exploration of narratives containing other characters that we haven't met in real life- films allow a fantasy, a peek into the private lives of others, an observational surveillance in which we can watch, but our personal choices have no impact on the story that unfolds. The most important thing is that we temporarily lose our identity when we are watching a film, and that is a liberating thing and an attraction in itself.

The first person perspective allows a further step of losing identity. It literally forces the spectator to become another person. The same loss of control still resides, but this time, we feel as though we are integral to the story, functioning as the main character of the film and we are better able to identify and empathize with the character. This is an attraction because in every day life, it is impossible to be another person. In a normal narrative, although we are privy to somebody else's life we don't normally have access to, we're just an omnipresent spectator, but we are used to seeing people from that point of view. Film in the first person perspective allows us to see through the eyes of someone else (most effective when it's representational of someone we have difficulties understanding in real life, for example, a paraplegic, hardcore drug user, or someone who is dead) which is entirely different, engaging, and thrilling.

In this video, we take on the perspective of someone who lives a reckless life of hard partying, drugs, fighting, and promiscuous sex. The song itself garnered controversy for its misogynistic lyrics which are easily interpreted as advocating violence against women (though the band countered such a statement by claiming "smack my bitch up" actually means doing anything intensely), and the way the main character treats women (groping them at bars, going to strip clubs and trying to pick up women) infers that this is a misogynist. Drawing upon our assumptions and stereotypes, we imagine this to be a male of a lower socio-economic standing who has little control over his impulses and who clearly disrespects women. We watch his night of partying in awe, until he kicks the hooker out that he brought home after they sleep together. The video ends as the camera looks into the mirror and we see that we have been seeing through the eyes of a woman.

This is an ending that comes as a shock, and has landed this video on many lists of best music videos of all time. I remember seeing this video in my early teens, and actually being scared at the ending because it goes so against all of our expectations. What could this be saying? Could it be challenging the notion of misogyny and implying that women can do just as many things we associate with a very testosterone-driven male to do? Is this a feminist video, or if we go even further, is this a misogynist video implying that women are reckless and promiscuous? It's unclear.

What is clear is that this ending reinstates a sense of self-awareness at the end. We've spent the duration of the video being someone else, and our mind filled in the rest of the blanks about who we were based on our actions. Suddenly, at the end of the video we become ourselves again, someone watching the video, and we realize we weren't who we thought we were all along. This creates a bigger psychological distance between the main character and ourselves than could have occurred in a narrative from the 3rd person perspective, despite the fact that we've just spent 4 minutes being them. This choice is interesting because it calls it calls into question the truth of what is presented, and the ability for film/video footage to mess with our perceptions even when we think we know the characters quite literally, from inside and out.  This reinvigorates first person perspectives, helping us to realize the falsity that can be construed and to be aware of it as an artistic device, an attraction.

happy

As we parted, Priya said

"By the way, Maria, these few weeks, you seem a lot happier. You're back to how you used to be in Paris, at your high points"
She's right. I didn't realize it in myself until she pointed it out.

And then a block later I got clapped at by a guy and yelled at "Dance! Dance! Come on dance!!!!"
I walked away, avoiding eye contact, and he yelled at me "What, you hate black people????"

I walked home a bit confused.

---

Last night I went to yoga with annabel and felt so much better. Afterwards I came home and played the guitar for a bit- something that i haven't done in more than half a year. This morning I went to physical therapy which is always nice, then grabbed a coffee on the way back, read some of the economist, took a shower, and went to see the counselor. I'm so happy that I made an appointment before break to see one, even though I didn't foresee the events that would take place. I think she's my favorite counselor to date. I told her a bit about the recent happenings, mainly I wanted to talk about the break up and she said that I didn't get adequate time, space, understanding, or respect for the healing process and for forgiveness.

I went to the library and I texted Priya as I got off the elevator onto the 8th floor asking if she was at the library, and she said yes she was on the 8th floor!!! So I wrote my blog entry for my film class which I'll post later. Then I met Priya's boyfriend who was also at the library. After some wordpress shenanigans, we went to space market for food and then went to class.

In class we discussed music videos and watched this really funny one i'll post here that i'm obsessed with:



and watched the talking heads movie which was really great, a bit long, but for a concert film, this was the best i've seen. afterwards, priya and i walked home together and parted ways as usual on 2nd ave.





i feel like i can finally, finally breathe again.

i realized that i have this pattern of not being able to identify when i'm not happy, especially in relationships, because i'm used to not being happy so it's hard to pinpoint what's me and what's my circumstance that's affecting me, so i tolerate a lot of shit that i shouldn't have to put up with. i need to learn when to walk away more- as i recalled today, in my 2nd relationship when i started breaking out in panic attacks, Amy said to me that sometimes when the mind won't listen to itself, the physical body sends signals to the body to say "pay attention!!! something is going on!!". I realized that's why I suddenly had all those nervous ailments, whether it be dizzy spells, or migraines, and general malaise. i end up feeling too responsible for other people's feelings and give in to all their needs, without being able to identify my own needs and that creates a bad cycle of getting stressed out and trying to establish distance that otherwise won't be given to me.

i just feel like ME again. i forgot how good that feels.

http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8226524/net-bullying-victim

good boy.

went to candlelit yoga with annabel. feel so much better.

LA and stufff

Last week my mom, Kevin and Alex and I went to the palm springs bnp paribas open. We watched Federer & Andy Roddick and a few others play. I was burnt to a crisp and ended up taking a short nap on the field because I was soooo tired from sun overexposure. It was a fun fun day, we ate pretzels on the grass.

This is my kitty
Something scary happened on the plane ride over. I suddenly got a dizzy spell that lasted about 20 minutes as I was walking over to my seat. I almost fell over, but I kept walking to get back to my seat, accidentally putting my hands on people's faces/heads thinking it was the seat (I couldn't see anything). It went away.

there was a Sex and the City marathon on E, I got lucky!

When I got back I crashed, and the next morning I kept hearing something scurrying about in my room, but it sounded like it was in a very contained space. I thought it might be a rat or something, but I found out a pigeon was stuck in between my windows. From the looks of it, it's been there for a while- look at all that poop.. I didn't know what to do.. but just then, I got a call from Joel saying that he would be coming to pick something up from Nassim's room, so I asked if he could help me later.
I met Connie, Claudia, and their friend Jonathan over by Cafe Habana which was a 45 minute wait for a 4 top, so we went to Jacques instead, across the street. I had egg florentine and a tea (I'm trying to cut out coffee for good). We had such an interesting conversation about relationships (I asked, would you rather date someone sensitive or insensitive, and unanimously C& C both answered "insensitive!!" haha) and about a paper that Claudia was writing for her media class based on creating a "second life" or discussing how the internet "self" influences the real self. We talked for hours about the maintenance of a relationship online, and the differences in person, and how that eventually leads to destruction- people can think about what they say online, they can be talking to other people, yet in my opinion, the distance created by the internet allows for more emotional intimacy because it buffers the fear, whereas in person it's harder to be emotionally honest since it's scarier and feels more definitive. I said that in person, sometimes there's not much to say, but the presence of a person is enough, whereas the internet relationship is entirely different because it's ALL based on conversation, which drives an underlying sexual tension that is unattainable and that keeps the interaction going.

I had to leave after brunch to meet Joel at my apartment at 4. I cleaned my bathroom and now it's sparkling clean! Joel asked me to hold a big box over the window as to not let the pigeon out into my room, and he picked up the pigeon and threw it over & out the window. My savior.

Now I'm gonna clean some more and go to Yoga, and tomorrow my busy life resumes.

ooorrr... i'm gonna take a nap now. nap vs. clean? nap. always.

this is exactly what i want. sous le ciel de paris.

edit: now that i've finished the movie i can't look at these stills the same way. moral of the story: don't trust men! they're all douchebags that can't keep their lies straight! hahaha

I found this gem on netflix watch now. the first thought i had: it reminds me of holy mountain! (later i found out it's by the same director). same, long haired, bearded protagonist that borders on embodying jesus iconography, this one though, escapes being psychedelic and enters a psychological fantasy realm of trauma, revenge, and redemption. it's really disgusting, but it's like a car wreck, you just can't look away.

-and again, stark bird imagery- little boy gets a tattoo of an eagle on his chest, his name is "fenix", the love of his life is a deaf mute and puts her hands to his chest, and makes them fly away like a bird.

i leave tomorrow afternoon. i'm excited to be busy again.

reminds me of strange circus, though more beautiful and subtle. that one was outrageous. jodorowsky has a way with subduing jarring grotesque imagery and making them surreal and manageable.

every single movie i've watched as of late has some focus on flight imagery.

depuis qu'otar est parti: when the old woman is sitting alone in paris, and birds fly overhead in a flock
fish tank: birds angrily change directions in flocks, the movie ends with an image of a balloon flying into the sky
red road: close up of birds in the sky

transcendentalism

always a focus on birds. when i was a freshman i bought bird decals that i decorated my walls with for 2 years. then it was that painting of a bird i bought from a man who told me i'd make it big when i was 22, and that the bird said a lot about my character. it's always been birds- always found them, or, they came to me.

it's completely unintentional, at least consciously. my unconscious is attached to the symbol and continues to find them. where will i land next?

on netflix watch now. part russian. part french.

from post secret

"who looks outside dreams, who looks inside, awakes"- carl jung

YSL Manifesto

Call time- Saturday 8am