happy

As we parted, Priya said

"By the way, Maria, these few weeks, you seem a lot happier. You're back to how you used to be in Paris, at your high points"
She's right. I didn't realize it in myself until she pointed it out.

And then a block later I got clapped at by a guy and yelled at "Dance! Dance! Come on dance!!!!"
I walked away, avoiding eye contact, and he yelled at me "What, you hate black people????"

I walked home a bit confused.

---

Last night I went to yoga with annabel and felt so much better. Afterwards I came home and played the guitar for a bit- something that i haven't done in more than half a year. This morning I went to physical therapy which is always nice, then grabbed a coffee on the way back, read some of the economist, took a shower, and went to see the counselor. I'm so happy that I made an appointment before break to see one, even though I didn't foresee the events that would take place. I think she's my favorite counselor to date. I told her a bit about the recent happenings, mainly I wanted to talk about the break up and she said that I didn't get adequate time, space, understanding, or respect for the healing process and for forgiveness.

I went to the library and I texted Priya as I got off the elevator onto the 8th floor asking if she was at the library, and she said yes she was on the 8th floor!!! So I wrote my blog entry for my film class which I'll post later. Then I met Priya's boyfriend who was also at the library. After some wordpress shenanigans, we went to space market for food and then went to class.

In class we discussed music videos and watched this really funny one i'll post here that i'm obsessed with:



and watched the talking heads movie which was really great, a bit long, but for a concert film, this was the best i've seen. afterwards, priya and i walked home together and parted ways as usual on 2nd ave.





i feel like i can finally, finally breathe again.

i realized that i have this pattern of not being able to identify when i'm not happy, especially in relationships, because i'm used to not being happy so it's hard to pinpoint what's me and what's my circumstance that's affecting me, so i tolerate a lot of shit that i shouldn't have to put up with. i need to learn when to walk away more- as i recalled today, in my 2nd relationship when i started breaking out in panic attacks, Amy said to me that sometimes when the mind won't listen to itself, the physical body sends signals to the body to say "pay attention!!! something is going on!!". I realized that's why I suddenly had all those nervous ailments, whether it be dizzy spells, or migraines, and general malaise. i end up feeling too responsible for other people's feelings and give in to all their needs, without being able to identify my own needs and that creates a bad cycle of getting stressed out and trying to establish distance that otherwise won't be given to me.

i just feel like ME again. i forgot how good that feels.