Last semester I had horrible insomnia. I've always struggled with some sort of sleep disorder since I was young. The minute my head would hit the pillow, anxiety inducing thoughts would flood my brain. When it became unbearable, I started seeing an acupuncturist. At that point in my life, I had just returned from a semester studying abroad in Shanghai, my mind was steeped in Eastern medicine doctrines.
Beyond hourly treatments during which my thumbs were drained of blood, my back was cupped with oxygen deprived cups (creating a suction that created giant hickeys on my back), and during which I resembled a pin cushion, I was also started on a regimen of daily herbs. 10 a day, pills the size of a tablespoon, I'm not kidding.
Something you need to know about me is I'm impulsive and impatient. I didn't want to wait for the herbs and the needles to kick in and needed something more immediate. I procured a 30 day supply of ambiens
Too much coffee, trying to stay awake writing a tedious paper, I wanted to go to sleep. Au natural was frustrating, my heart was palpitating. I took an ambien and started tripping out as if I were on a lethal dose of ecstasy. These are the texts that ensued:
Too much coffee, trying to stay awake writing a tedious paper, I wanted to go to sleep. Au natural was frustrating, my heart was palpitating. I took an ambien and started tripping out as if I were on a lethal dose of ecstasy. These are the texts that ensued:
The next morning I looked through my texts, embarrassed, but then realized there was a truth in the symbolism. I deconstructed the text, and then psychoanalyzed myself. The utensil bird was me- lost in this world looking for my niche. Apt to hurt when I'm really just trying to get a hug.
I decided to create a platform on which the same mental energies that birthed the text could have free reign to explicate. Maybe then, I could find some latent meanings, some remnants of me that I'd missed during my accessible self awareness.
What this is... is a utensil bird trying to find her niche, a restaurant that utilizes fully its specialty and uniqueness. She's not quite a bird, not quite a utensil, but in this world that makes you choose which you are and stick with it, it's been pretty hard finding that place of acceptance.
Who am I? A student about to graduate from NYU. A traveler of Shanghai and Paris. A Speaker of both Mandarin and French. A Psych major, A Cinema Studies/French minor. A classically trained pianist (but hated it the whole time). And I wasn't born here, born in China, moved around all over the states.. But those are stories for another day, or already written.
