Cracks

Last night I watched "Cracks". I'd wanted to see it since I saw the trailer in mid February. I found it on Youtube, conveniently, as I tried to see it in theaters but it had a terribly short run of about 2 weeks at the IFC. Not great, but it was visually enticing and Eva Green is so goddamn beautiful it's hard to keep your eyes off of her. My internet cut out around mid-movie, but I finished it on my iphone.

Today I finished up the competitive markets powerpoint for Jake, and we had 2 meetings to discuss it. I then worked on the West Hollywood Evian event, getting parking permits and an ipad. I was so beat at the end of the day- I should have been in bed, as yesterday I couldn't even leave the house but I knew that today was an important day work wise since the presentation is going to be given tomorrow. I also wrote 5 articles for Ology. I just felt really motivated to post today, not that there was anything particularly good to post about today, I just felt like writing a lot.

I picked up some fruit from Whole Foods and some sparkling water (of course- lately I've become incredibly dependent on sparkling water- it's become a daily necessity) and headed home. I suddenly got a burst of energy to start cleaning my bathroom. My room had become a cluttered mess, I haven't cleaned it since the break up so it's become some sort of messy hell hole and it made me sick but I couldn't muster up the strength to clean it- just no motivation. Today somehow, I grabbed all the cleaning supplies and swiffered, disinfected, scrubbed every surface in my bathroom, re-organized all of my toiletries. That took about an hour. Then I finished up the bedroom which took about 2 hours and organized my laundry and my shoes and my clothes. Tomorrow my goal is to take out all the trash (I have enough trash to take me about 4-5 runs up and down to the trash disposal to get rid of) and I'm going through all of my clothes and steaming them. Knowing myself- though I want to be the girl who can get up early and get my outfit together and look impeccably nice- I just can't. Instead, I'm the girl who rolls out of bed 10 minutes after work has already started, scrambles for 5 minutes and walks out the door. Thus, steaming everything all together will eliminate a lot of extra minutes spent trying to work out the wrinkles of my clothes before I walk out the door.

Even though physically I'm still run down, I've begun feeling a lot better mentally. My physical surroundings always reflect my inner self, so this is a good step forward. I've also realized that my tolerance for laziness and messes has gradually decreased over the years- I used to let my messes get a lot crazier before bouncing back and needing to clean everything- now my polarity has become a lot more controlled. That's just it, I'm learning to have more control, and it's happened naturally.

We all, girls especially, struggle so much for control, when it's a natural process. All those tears I've shed over the years over a control issue (which is very much generalized, as just about everything comes down to a control issue if you dissect it enough) were wasted. I trust that I'll be able to control myself one day the way that I want to. I wonder if self control is very much linked with happiness, that the struggle for happiness is often mistaken for the struggle for happiness when it's really a struggle for self control. When we're in control, we're naturally happy, or we can at least control ourselves enough to BE happy, no?

Finishing up "Wild Reeds", and then tomorrow I'm set on sending out my laundry, sending out a bunch of packages, going to see Mary, doing my readings, and going to film class.