yikes

Today I woke up early to write my 4 page film paper. Done. Ran over to Alma Marceau in the 16th to meet up with my Texte and Image class for our field trip at the Musée de Tokyo (d'art moderne) to visit their permanent collection of cubism. I was 10 minutes early and even beat the teacher there, ha she can't say I'm late anymore. Then ran back just in time for class for a presentation, which was moved to Monday. Made it to film class in time, we talked about Le Mepris which I didn't watch because it slipped my mind. Ooof.

Yesterday we filmed a scene for our advanced convo project. We filmed it at Lindsay's house and we couldn't stop laughing the entire time. My head hit the chandelier a few times when I jumped up, the cuts were hilarious, and when I ripped out a piece of paper, Sebastien started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop for several takes.

I came up with a book idea that got me very excited so I started writing it, and I finished the first chapter. There will be 13 chapters, at about 4pages single spaced each, which makes 52 pages "environ" when I'm finished. I'm hoping I can do another one tomorrow, then a few more over the weekend. Really trying to push myself now.

Today I felt what it was like to be my old self, always thinking, in my head, in my withdrawn little world. Priya noticed and mentioned it seemed like I was in my own little world, thinking intently, or rather, that I always look like I'm thinking intensely about something (I've gotten this comment before). It's hard to see what you look like, I guess I'll never know. When we look in the mirror we see a fictitious version of ourselves looking at ourselves, so of course it never reflects reality, rather, only a spectacle. Thinking again felt great, but I felt a lot of distance from the world and I felt tense. While I was writing my chapter tonight, I remembered how I used to feel, and in comparison, I'd much rather have these fatigue and apathy problems. Today I called my psychiatrist again and explained that I'd rather not be switched so often on medication, what feels like a merry go round of meds, as one person described on a website, testing each out before we find one that is right for me. I'd rather stabilize on one and know that I can manage the side effects before starting something completely new, and have to experience side effects unknown to me. She's been very nice and responsive to my calls, but it seems that she'll go along with whatever I say. For instance I told her I didn't want to be on effexor because even though she suggested it casually, I decided to do my own research and I found it to be one of the worst drugs to be on because it's so dangerous that you may end up stuck on it for life because the withdrawal is the worst out of any drug. It's the last resort drug for people who are severely depressed who can't handle being on anything else and have tried everything. She said okay, we'll try prozac. I told her today I didn't want to be on prozac, rather I'd rather stabilize on the lexapro and if anything, switch back to the celexa, because I just don't have the time and since it's finals time, it's not a good time to be trying out anything new and dealing with potentially new side effects. She agreed with me again. It must be hard being a psychiatrist, drugs can ruin people, it must be hard carrying the guilt of screwing people's lives up if you ever do since you're messing with things that are much greater and incomprehensible.