Marcel Proust

Last semester in my Contemporary Conversation course, my french professor had us memorize a passage. His reason: for us to internalize it.

Mais, quand d’un passé ancien rien ne subsiste, après la mort des êtres, après la destruction des choses, seules, plus frêles mais plus vivaces, plus immatérielles, plus persistantes, plus fidèles, l’odeur et la saveur restent encore longtemps, comme des âmes, à se rappeler, à attendre, à espérer, sur la ruine de tout le reste, à porter sans fléchir, sur leur gouttelette presque impalpable, l’édifice immense du souvenir.

Even now, I find myself reciting this passage in my dreams. The English translation:

When from a long-distant past nothing subsists, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered, still, alone, more fragile, but with more vitality, more unsubstantial, more persistent, more faithful, the smell and taste of things remain poised a long time, like souls, ready to remind us, waiting and hoping for their moment, amid the ruins of all the rest; and bear unfaltering, in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence, the vast structure of recollection.

I asked him once why he wanted us to internalize this passage, I wanted to know what the passage meant to him so I would know what it should mean to me. He evaded the subject and essentially told me that it would mean what I wanted it to mean. Either that, or I really couldn't understand the French he used to answer my question.

I realized that the reason why this quote has stuck into the crevices of my subconscious is because of how many moments when I have felt my own destruction. The destruction of all I've known, I've experienced more than a handful of times this past year. I have left contexts behind and started new, in many ways, beyond just travelling. Each time I experience a break down when I feel I have nothing to hold on to anymore, everything I thought I knew firmly becomes rubble and I'm left on a flimsy wood deck, perched upon stones, broken planks, and sand. I came to think I was innately a self destructive person, always creating my demise.

But then I realized, that there is so much potential for recollection. An opportunity, to create something better, to start over and build upon a stronger foundation, to create a structure to live in for the rest of my life that will not topple over.

This reminds me of the film 'Hero' (Zhang Yi Mou). The character nameless is asked to write the word "Jian" which in Chinese has 19 different meanings by a man he has to duel with later, but he was asked to write it in the 20th way which didn't exist. We find out later that this technique was employed because his enemy wanted to see his brush strokes, which would demonstrate his sword fighting technique. I think the reason why he did this was because Chinese writing is constrained, there's a specific pattern for each stroke utilized in each word and the structure wouldn't have allowed a proper exhibition of nameless's fighting technique.

So sometimes, we have to scrap convention, order, destroy it entirely, to be able to see what we need to see in the 20th version that doesn't yet exist. Maybe we have to base it on something that already exists, but the 20th is all our own.