panic attack

I was dismissed early from work today. I took my usual walk home, and somewhere around 30th st and Park my vision turned blurry, my legs went numb and I couldn't feel myself walking anymore. The gray sky turned hostile, I wondered if I was floating, I felt like I was being poisoned. My lungs felt like they had shriveled up into raisins, my breaths were shallow and for a moment I forgot whether I was dead or alive. One thought crossed my mind: "Oh no." I put my hand on my chest to feel my heart beat, it was erratically beating like a broken metronome.

I felt like I was drowning inside myself.

I tried to trace my thoughts. What led me here? I hadn't had a panic attack to this extent since the beginning of January. That's right, I was thinking about the time frame right around then. Maybe too deeply.

The bad thing about having a panic attack is that, even when you're trying to calm yourself, you're panicking about trying to calm yourself. I try to distract myself as best I can, but when concentrating on not fainting, standing up straight, appearing calm so no one else freaks out, debating whether to sit down or move as fast as you can to get home as quickly as possible so you don't cause a scene on the street, and especially on struggling to take in little sips of air, it's a bit difficult to fit any other thoughts in your brain.

Eventually I decided to keep walking so I could get home. I bought a packet of caramels from a magazine vendor, my hands were shaking so hard I could barely get them opened or pay. I chewed each hard caramel to take my mind off of hyperventilating. It seemed to work.

Just a few weeks ago I was anything but anxious. I don't know how I got myself back here again.