Haunted

For the past few weeks now, I have had a homesick feeling. It wasn't for home though, it was a longing for Shanghai. I had spent fall semester last year studying in Shanghai, where some crazy things happened. I was happy there, so happy, but towards the end I fell into a sort of depression and developed insomnia. I think it was because I was in Paradise, but as someone always looking forward into the future, I was scared for my eminent departure, and return to the "real" world. I think my insomnia was my body's effort to extend the amount of time there, especially during nights, because Shanghai nights were beautiful.

some notable moments:

-japanese business men that took us to the huge invite only Hennessy event. They had a bar for each mixer that you could possibly think of to mix your hennessy with. Then afterwards they took us to M1NT, a member's only club- and we all had dinner on them when they went to a business meeting. Later we were escorted to a big booth where huge bottles of champagne came one after another. The son of Shiseido was one of the business men supplying this night for us. They were celebrating a business deal. Someone who worked for them for weeks after kept calling me and texting me, one night I got 15 missed calls and a bunch of text messages begging me to go to a car race with him. I never responded.

-me wanting to expand beyond kids in our program and meet some locals, so Alessia and I went to the Shangri-La to Jade on 36, probably one of the most expensive meals of my life, I think the bill came out to be 3,000 RMB between both of us.. which meant it was around $250 each person. Alessia called to book a reservation and the hostess said if it was one of our birthdays we would get a discount equivalent to that age. Alessia said it was my birthday. They gave us a cake. When Alessia went to the bathroom one of the waiters came to try to talk to me and asked if it was my birthday. Since my Chinese wasn't that good at the beginning of the program when this happened, I got nervous, and said "I don't know." We then pretended it was Alessia's birthday because I messed up. I wrote a review for them when they handed one of those comment cards over with the check, I started laughing uncontrollably, and our waiter who definitely had been trained too well with mannerisms had a problem keeping a straight face. He ran into the kitchen and I heard a burst of laughter that would not stop. Later the waiters walked me out and told me that they loved me. I was drunk. I think I drew them a picture. That night as I was leaving the Shangri La a man held open the door for me.

He asked if we were in fashion, and told us he was a fashion party planner. Turns out he was one of the most prominent planners in the city, with the ins to every good restaurant and party. He turned out to be a good friend, and told us where to go, expat parties, exclusive events. One time he even booked us the best table at Laris during peak hours when it was overcrowded for a party of 5 when we had wanted to change restaurants last minute. Alessia and I went to his house one time after he showed us around the French Concession and he showed us a folder called "conversation starters" which had all these pictures with him and his family friend Ang Lee and all the fashion shows he had been to (including the one Fendi did at the great wall of China). He took us to what became my favorite restaurant in the city, "Mr. and Mrs. Bund" (the Maitre D whom I became friends with. One time I was on a date and I'm still not sure what happened but he accidentally almost kissed me and felt bad so he sent over a glass of free wine). One time Alessia and I went to a party which we didn't know but was called "Pervert Night" where people were dressed in leather, cracking whips, little midgets in chains. We ran into Bob there. Oh man.

-dating an administrator in the program, which turned out to be pretty controversial, as seen in the end of semester reviews of the staff, someone wrote that admins should not be dating students especially if they had control over their grades (I wish he had control over my grades, but that wasn't the case. He once marked me as present even though I was ditching class, but that didn't even work because the teacher kept records!)

-drawing blue dots all over my friend's face after he had fallen off the back gate and had a concussion and then he went outside to get noodles forgetting that he had dots on his face

-being told by one of my best friends that he was in love with me right before we were supposed to go on a trip together. we were guided by his dad's business partner during that trip to Zhang Jia Jie, who tried to set me up with him and get me to marry into his family.

-telling someone that I hope he died because he fucked over my best friend and left her without her phone, wallet, and coat. We went to his place after to get the coat check number, and I found him in bed with another girl.

++++ so many moments

but mostly I miss the smells and the feelings. I felt so comfortable there, and no matter how many times I return to Shanghai in the future, I won't get what I felt back. My whole experience was time sensitive. It was the people. The living situation. My age.

The homesickness made me want to sit alone and think so hard so that I might be able to re create my memories as fully as I could, and re enter into my world there that only lives in my memory now. But like Nabokov said, "it is all a matter of love. The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is"

Then Nick and I went to the Guggenheim a few days ago. They had an exhibit, titled Haunted all about the melancholic process of memory- of trying to capture memory appropriately, but not ever being able to capture it elusive qualities. After following the spiral architecture of the museum, one picture got my attention:

(Miranda Lichtenstein's 'The Floater') What this photo meant to me: The girl's head above water represents her looking into the present moment, while the reflection represents to me her looking into the past, because the reflection is taking the place of her brain, (perhaps suggesting being in her head). The process of looking 'back' drowns you.

Oh China, how I miss you.