Inception

There's always been a conflicting purpose when it comes to my writing.

Part of me writes for me, I write with brutal honesty and reflect candidly. I post the most embarrassing experiences in detail. I am fully vulnerable in an attempt to reach catharsis, because it feels good to be able to express the darkest moments without holding back. But in those instances, I can't share what I write. And I'm frustrated, because there's no point in writing when no one can read it. Over the years, I've started blog after blog, some anonymously, but each time I felt like I was being too open and it made me feel too vulnerable for comfort. Often I would post something, then after realizing if someone I knew read it, it would create some drama that I didn't want to deal with (I've learned this the hard way unfortunately when I've gotten in fights in middle school...)

Then there's my intent to let people read what I write, but then a filter is necessary, and I feel stifled.

You can't have both, I suppose. But that is life, always trying to find and maintain a balance. Over the years its been my biggest struggle, sometimes overdoing it, or sometimes doing nothing at all. Partying too hard, or going through periods when I abstained for long stretches of time and withdrew. Thinking too much and sometimes not thinking at all.

College was when I finally acknowledged the problem and sought balance. First it started when I started doing yoga, then macrobiotics, which made me feel amazing for the months I was subscribing to the lifestyle. Unfortunately it was too time consuming as I would have to think too much about food and restrictions that I got tired of it.

And then I went to Shanghai and learned the way of the Tao, that life is like the tides, always fluctuating, and there was no point in struggling against the tide and trying to contain or control it. I learned that the secret to balance is to not try too hard to be in balance. And that is what I'm trying now, with this website.

This creative process reminds me of a review I read a few days ago about the movie Inception. After seeing the movie, it stuck in my head and I have had trouble thinking about anything other than the film for a few days now. It's been a while since a movie stimulated me, made me consider all possibilities, meanings, symbolisms. What captivated me the most was Nolan's ability to make an impossibly smart, thoughtful film, but execute it for the mainstream audience.

Here's the article

Essentially it discusses 'Inception' within the framework of film making. The author believes that the whole film is a metaphor for Nolan's process... an eternal struggle between making something for the benefit of consumerism/the public, but also making art that is personal, as symbolized by Mal, who is his muse. He's seduced by Mal, by a yearning to make art that is all inspired by her and completely unrelatable. At the end he escapes this desire and succeeds with his Saito plot, Saito represents him making a piece for the public.

I thought, how interesting. That is what I strive to do.