Cien Fuegos

Met Erika for a drink at Cien Fuegos

We had a punch bowl of the Vinales which tasted like a spicy light pina colada. Last time I had some sort of Rum, wine, infused with sage and strawberries and pomegranates. The Vinales trumps that! Even our server said "I've never tried this drink, but I did just now, and let me tell you, you guys are in for a treat"

We talked about past relationships, which I had been considering during the day. I don't think we realize just how much they affect us. I used to dismiss my own complexes and think it wasn't my fault that I would seek a certain type of person (usually damaged or emotionally unavailable), or that relationships would all end the same way. But it's common to make those generalizations of "Everyone is like this! And they treat me like this!" when really, we're actively (but subconsciously) seeking those types of relationships to work out failures of the past, relive those beautiful moments, perpetuate a self belief, or maybe even for comfort in the familiar. Sometimes it's not entirely up to you to recognize those complexes and work through them- it takes meeting someone who makes you want to. For everything, we need to be intrinsically and extrinsically motivated to be able to make permanent changes.

To be honest, sometimes I use traveling as a bandaid. If I don't feel like sorting through my issues that come up when I'm physically comfortable in my surroundings, it's much easier to pack up and leave and lose them temporarily in a foreign place. It's beneficial in one respect, because it makes you grow a lot faster, but it's also harmful, in that the deeper issues were not addressed and they WILL come back out no matter how distracted you are, and they will come back even more intense than before . This is what happened to me before Shanghai- I was on the brink of self destruction, and I figured that leaving would be a good way to get myself back together. Instead, what ended up happening was I fell into a black hole because I wasn't strong enough or mature enough to handle all the pressure I internalized. Lucky for me, without realizing it's what I needed, I found a group of people that helped me through it later, in my weakest state.

Somehow, this summer, things that I wanted magically fell into place.

Miniature examples from the last few weeks:

-one day I wished for an umbrella and then I got in a cab and there was a perfect green umbrella waiting for me.

-The other day my headphones broke, and I found a pair of amazing ones in the drawer at work that no one claimed.

Then there are the bigger ones:

-a lot of my internships fell through and I didn't know what to do.. Then when I was in LA I got an email from someone who used to be in the same psych class (who later told me that he wasn't even considering sending out an email to a psych class, only to business classes but on a whim decided to send it to only 1 psych class- mine) asking for an intern at an Entertainment Media company- things worked out smoothly and interestingly enough, I had been thinking about starting a blog previous to that email and this internship has taught me a lot of useful information (without which, I would not have started this).

*sidenote: especially appreciative for the Google analytics tutorial.. which tells me that the most popular pictures/posts on this site are the ones where my boobs are visible. Thanks guys.

-I had gone to dinner with Alessia some time last semester at Delicatessen around the time when I was considering trying out a job in the food industry for the summer because I was done with retail. I thought immediately, if I could work at a restaurant, it would be this one. One day, randomly, I got a text from a girl from my conversation French class whom I hadn't spoken to in months, who was friends with someone who worked at the restaurant saying that she knew of a position available. And voila. 5 min interview and it was mine.

-I was tired of meaningless 'relationships' and upon subletting a cozy little studio, I thought, it would be nice to have a nice boy to cook with and stay in with. And then in walks this big retard who was just that and more. Funny thing I realized today was the day we first started talking was the day me and my friend had been shopping for supplies and props for a photoshoot we had planned. He had a folder of inspiration photos he clipped, one of which was a toked up cracked out Ronald McDonald. That image stuck in my head because it was my friend's favorite. That very night, Nick showed me his illustrations website, on which had this image. If the world spoke in symbols, it no doubt was telling me something. (More symbolically, it was speaking of Archetypes in my life, but the unique characteristics of each that fill that archetype- this idea is too private to explicate so I'll just leave it as this. Ask me if you want me to explain.)

Sometimes there's a delay between when I realize I want something and when I get it, and my problem is I'm sometimes too impatient to wait. Okey okey this is totally the Law of Attraction I'm aware of that. Why is my life a New Age philosophy? I'll never know.

In Shanghai I worked out cultural/identity issues. I've always had this cultural disparity within me that I didn't fully understand- having grown up in America in a predominantly Caucasian environment but being born in China. There was always this innate tension between two opposing set of cultural rules and expectations. Shanghai helped me identify it, as Shanghai itself is a giant archetype of what I was going through- a developing cosmopolitan city trying to both embody, and detach, from its original cultural roots. From being inside it, I understood what was going on inside me.

NY this time around helped me become stronger and more immune to what it was that made me self destructive in the past. The negativity, the people, and some parts of the culture don't agree with me, but I've always found them to be inextricably linked to me. Whenever it consumes me, I tip off balance and my life becomes wild, inconsolable waves. This time around, I learned to find stability, not just within myself, but within the group of friends who care about me unconditionally and have the patience to help me learn.

It was like, when everything was destroyed, I did manage to build a stronger foundation for myself, and I built upon it little by little, and now I'm finally beginning to see that it was better than the one I had before.

There's really no better time than now for Paris. I wonder what it is I will learn there, and how it will change me.

Why is there always so much beauty in the end? I would be very happy if I stayed here, but I know in my heart I have to leave. And this time it doesn't feel like a wound that's driving me there. Maybe a scar, but at least it's healed.

"Only unfulfilled love can be romantic"- Vicky Christina Barcelona (this quote has always stuck with me)