Today I had a wellness meeting at 11. Finished my work, then went to lunch with Priya. Under a green awning and sitting practically on the narrow street of Passy a few blocks away from NYU (Passy is akin to the Upper East Side), we sat half in sunlight and half in the shade. We both ordered omelettes- I got mine with cheese and she got hers with ham and cheese.
The first time I spoke to Priya, we were on the way from the airport to the hostel. We found out that we both had the same major and double minor. We both exclaimed we thought we were being original when we chose them. Then we found out we were in the exact same classes as well (even though none of the classes fulfill the psych major). I wondered what it was in her past that made her this way, and what the similarities were in our upbringing. This was a case of nature/nurture- where was the tipping point between the two that made us the way we are?
Though we never got the chance to spend a lot of time talking to one another, I've felt pretty comfortable in her presence and oddly familiar- as if I understood what she was thinking without having to say it. On our way to lunch, I asked her why it was she decided to go towards psychology as opposed to psychiatry. She explained the exact same reasoning I had, that she thinks for certain ailments that are due to chemical imbalances, it's necessary, but for other behavior problems she believes that therapy is a better route.
I asked her what it was she thought of me when she first met me- not a question I normally ask others because I assume people are disinterested or do not give as much thought to first impressions as I do, but I felt that Priya would understand the significance of such a question. I've been working on being more self aware- though I'm beyond aware of my internal states, I sometimes am so involved internally that I lose track of my external presentation.
Priya said that she got the vibe that I was intimidating, ambitious, and fiercely independent. She said she felt that I seemed like someone who found it very easy to get to know other people, get others to open up to me, but that I seemed like a challenge- that the other person would find it difficult to get to know me. I'd never heard it put that way before, but she is right. One of my strengths is my ability to get someone to open up, reveal themselves, and understand them in a manner that no one else can- (I've heard "wow, maria- no one else understands me the way you do" muttered through tears- many many times) and empathize with them. This is a skill I've cultivated, though it's a double edged sword, it's also something that I find defining. It gets dangerous when the empathy becomes too consuming and I find it hard to detach- it also can become a demanding friendship, as people then ask too much of me that I can't supply on a day to day basis. She too, like my roommate, said that what she found most surprising is how friendly I actually am, versus how I'm perceived. She didn't expect me to be as open and inviting, or as happy or silly as I am.
Sometimes the internal truly doesn't reflect on the outside, does it?
because internally I just see a little girl who is a bit lost, a bit confused, vulnerable, sensitive, and so so silly. Inside, is a museum, displaying all of my insecurities mounted on gray walls- all my mistakes, all my failures. Sometimes I'll wander too far in the museum's labyrinthian design and forget how to get out- even that I want to get out.
Priya opened up to me very quickly. I had a moment in which I evaluated whether I wanted to reveal as much about myself- I hesitated, but eventually I decided to let her in. Though we didn't get into too much detail, the events, the trauma of our lives that we're still trying to work out within ourselves, are familiar to both of us. Such specific events- yes there are differences, but the moments occurred during the same time frame. We then discussed how we feel that it affects us, mostly, how it affects the unconscious way we present ourselves, our fears, our worries. I understood her, and for the first time in a long, long time, someone else understood me too.
I used to be more open about my past, but as I've grown I've developed many many walls.
I asked her, "When you like a book, a song, a picture, is it just purely because of what it is, or do you extrapolate some sort of personal, deeper insight that's distinctly yours- and that's what makes you attach to it and like it?" she said yes.
She mentioned that she's someone who senses when people are upset, and asks them questions to reinforce that it's okay and that she's there to listen. She's learned in her life that most people don't reciprocate this- not because they don't care, but they're waiting for you to just tell them. This is also a lesson I've learned recently, as I've mostly been under the delusion that people don't care when I'm going through something when they do, I just don't let them.
She helped me realize why it is when I need people the most, I retreat and deal with it myself. She does the same thing. She withdraws, thinking she can handle everything on her own because of crucial points in our lives when we've had to learn to. We both agreed on our worst fear. I'm not going to reveal it here, as there's a limit to my candor, but I understood immediately why it was we both carried that.
Our conversation reminded me of a lot of things. Mainly one: that I've always thought that there was so much wrong with me when in fact the only thing wrong with me is that I think someone's wrong with me- that I don't believe in myself and try to convince others not to believe in me too probably because I'm afraid of my own potential, and past events have taught me that to dim my light is safer than letting it shine. A good friend once told me this, and I'll remember it forever. My fears and my beliefs have no place in my life now- they're from a time and a place much different from now. If I let them conquer me, they'll make my life predictable. I've already seen what they can do and I won't let them consume me this time.
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